Archive for August, 2008

It is with great pleasure I bring you the first college football weekend preview of the year

College football is finally hear. Games got started last night, continue today but the big day is tomorrow. The first Saturday of the football season. It has been a long time coming and I for one couldn’t be more excited. There isn’t anywhere I’d rather been than sitting in front of a TV for hour checking out as many college games as I possibly can. The only thing that can stop me from doing that is if a situation arose where I could play golf in the morning, cook out for lunch, win a cornhole tournament, hop on a party bus and head down to Mountaineer for some gambling with a group of 30-some guys for a good friends bachelor’s party. Oh wait. That is what I’ll be doing tomorrow. So while I don’t like missing the first official day of college football and the debut of Michigan’s new look team, but a guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do. So it’s off the bachelor’s party and DVRing some games to watch on Sunday. As long as I don’t see the results from the games, this works out even better. A long, awesome day of guy activities on Saturday and then watching games without the commercials on Sunday. Perfect. For those of you who are going to be able to watch the games tomorrow (Seal, since you didn’t get invited to the party) here’s a breakdown of them.

*** Utah at Michigan *** 

This is the big game of the weekend. Everyone is going to be watching to see how Michigan looks. Utah is a very good team and will test them but, like I said yesterday, there is no way Michigan loses another home opener. If Rick Rod has to go Woody Hayes on the Utes and run on to the field an tackle a player just before he scores, he will. 

*** Youngstown State at Ohio State ***

Is this suppose to be an honor for the Penguins to get worked over by the Buckeyes? Yeah, that’s sweet for them. They can say  “I played in the ‘Shoe’ and got beat down by Ohio States third team. It was awesome.” Or is it a way for Tessell to remember where he came from? Whatever it is, it’s a joke. Scheduling USC does not make up for playing Ohio and YSU. The only reason USC is the Buckeye’s schedule is because Lake Erie College didn’t have an open week.

*** Coastal Carolina at Penn State ***

This one may just top YSU-OSU. Coastal Carolina leaves their beautiful Myrtle Beach campus to go get their ass kick by Penn State in the middle of Deliverance country. They might be able to classify it as community service though seeing as they are bringing happiness to an old man.

*** Syracuse at Northwestern *** 

How this game got on ESPN2 is beyond me. I’m sure it will have that female announcer deterring all six viewers from watching the game.

*** Bowling Green at Pittsburgh ***

Let’s see how my sleeper team looks.

*** Oklahoma State at Washington State ***

This has a chance to be a really good game between two mediocre teams.

*** USC at Virginia ***

I can’t believe USC is opening on the road. No other top tier team is playing on the road to start a season. No top tier team ever opens on the road. Give USC credit. Well, it’s only Virginia so let’s give them half credit.

*** Michigan State at Cal ***

Whoever wins this game could start the season 5 or 6-0 giving false hope to their fans until they finish the year at .500. 

*** Appalachian State at LSU ***

The battle of defending national champions. I don’t think LSU is going to take App State lightly so don’t expect a Michigan like game. (A year later and I still hate that thought.)

*** Illinois at Missouri ***

Maybe the biggest game of the week. Is Illinois for real? Is Missouri for real? Was last year a fluke for both teams? 

*** Alabama at Clemson ***

If Illinois-Mizzu doesn’t do it for you, this game should. Can Clemson live up to their hype? I say no. Nick Saban is a weasel who finds a why to win. Tommy Bowden is just a weasel.

UPSET SPECIAL: Washington over Oregon

If Alabama over Clemson isn’t a big enough upset, how about Washington over the Ducks. For some reason everyone thinks Oregon is going to be good even losing Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Steward and this year starting quarterback is hurt. Washington will be better than you think. 


(Softball update: The Busket Boys lost bad last night in both games. In fact, we lost YSU verse OSU bad, probably worse. First game is out of the way, we’ll get some practice in and get better. By the time the season is over, they’ll want to make a movie out of our season. From pathetic losers to just pathetic guys who got really good at softball.)


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The Greatest Rule Ever

I would normally never mention the LPGA (unless it was to make fun of Michelle Wie) and certainly never would praise them. But today, I think they are one of the greatest leagues in all of professional sports. They have taken the lead and I applaud them for their initiative. I must give due where due is due. (Not to often you can use the word due in a sentence.) Earlier this week, the LPGA said all members of the Tour must be able to speak English. I love this. Best rule any organization has ever made. Even better than Wacky Tie Friday. (Does anyone really have a wacky tie day?) This rule is great on so many fronts. First, they are playing in America, learn our language. Second, it’s an American organization, learn our language. Third, you don’t like, you don’t have to play here. Fourth, learn our language!!! 

I wish MLB would do this too. I wish the USA government would do this. We have all these immigrants coming to America and none of them bother to learn English? Come on. If want to live in our country, learn our damn language. If I was going to live in Italy, I think I’d take the time to learn Italian. When English is the secondary language in some place in the U.S., something is wrong. So today, LPGA, I salute you. This is an amazing rule and I hope others follow in your example.

This rule got me thinking about other rules I like to see implemented in other leagues.

In the NBA…

… you have to have one white guy on the court at all times.

… if your team loses, you are force to go home and sleep with your wife/girlfriend. If you don’t have a wife/girlfriend, you are to sleep alone.

… if your team wins, you are allowed to punch one member of the other team.

… if your team loses, you are forced to spend one day with one of your bastard children.

… if you airball a free throw, the other team give you one free, unobstructed nut tap.

… if you miss a dunk, you have to spend a three hour class session on “How to dunk a basketball” given by Nate Robinson.

On the PGA Tour…

… you must finish a 12-pack every round and you must shotgun a beer on birdies and bogeys.

… unless you’re John Daly, you have to finish a case every 18 holes and on birds and bogs you have to shotgun a bottle of whisky.

… if you hit a person in the gallery, you owe him more than a ball and a glove. You still give him all that stuff but then he gets to tee up a ball and hit it at you.

In the NFL…

… Any player who gets negative fantasy points owes everyone who played that player on his fantasy team this week their entry fee for the league.

… Same goes for any player taken in the top three rounds who has a season ending injury or misses more than half their teams games.

… Get rid of the excessive celebration rule and the rule that says teams can’t celebrate a touchdown together. Then, after a touchdown, judge the celebrator(s) on their creativity on either “impressed” or “not impressed.” Then award a plus-1 on minus-1.

In the MLB…

… if you strike out on three pitches, you have to buy everyone on both teams a round.

… if you make an error, you have to play the rest of the inning with your pants off.

… if you’re the DH, you have to be the ball boy when your team is in the field.

There are plenty of other rules that would make the games much more fun. What ones would you enforce?


*** Ten in a row for the Tribe!!!***

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College Football preview thoughts


Two very important and entertaining seasons start tomorrow so let’s preview them both. The first, and less important one, is the college football season. The second, and highly anticipated, is the fall softball league that Rosie, GFB, W, Scott, (possibly Seal for a game or two) and J Beanie are playing in. 

Northeastern at Ball State kicks off the season and the first game on TV is Vandrbillt beating up on Miami (Ohio) on ESPNU. The ESPN has intense match-ups of North Carolina State vs South Carolina and Oregon State at Stanford (who opens with league play?). Since no one cares about these games we won’t waste our time with them. Here are some thoughts about the 2008 college football season.

> No one has a clue what Michigan is going to do. They could go 6-6, like everyone is saying but I just don’t see that happening. Regardless of who is coaching what system with what players, Michigan is going to be good. Even last year, a bad year, saw them go 9-4. Everyone is writing the Wolverines off without even seeing them play. I wouldn’t do that. Everyone is looking for a sleeper team, or as G$ says on his website “this year’s Kansas.” I’d say it’s Michigan. They won’t climb to No. 2 in the nation but they’ll be a top 20 team. Just because they have a new system means they aren’t good? They have a whole bunch of new players who have been studying it for six months. They’ll be fine. The defense will be solid. They have a bunch of promising, fast, quick, freshman who will fit perfectly with the spread.

They don’t know who their quarterback is yet but that doesn’t bother me. But I’d have a lot more confidence if it was the guy on the right since the other guy looks like he should be an extra in a 1960’s football movie. I really am excited to see what they do this year. I’ve read a lot of stuff that Utah will beat Michigan in the season opener. I really, really don’t think so (and I really, really, really, really, really hope not). You don’t think Michigan will be fired up for this game? You don’t think Rich Rod has been bring up App State all week? You don’t think this Michigan team wants to show the country something? There is no way Utah wins. None. Won’t happen. This is the most intriguing season of Michigan football in a long time and I for one am looking forward to it. I’ll say 9-3. (Of course, the complete opposite of everything I just said could happen and I will blackout the 2008 season from memory.) 

> Everyone is jumping on the Clemson bandwagon but remember, they are still coached by Tommy Bowden.

> USC will run away with the Pac-10, Oregon and Arizona State are not for real, but will slip up somewhere towards the end of the season, like the last two years, and miss out on the BCS championship game.

> Washington verse Notre Dame may be the most ironic match-up of the year. Whoever loses can expect a new coach next year.

> Top Five preseason: 1. USC 2. Georgia 3. Ohio State 4. Florida 5. LSU

> End of the season will look nothing like that. 

> Alabama, Wisconsin, BYU, Texas Tech, Virginia Tech all will be in the top five at some point this season but not finish there. 

> BYU is the easy choice for non-BCS school to play in a BCS game. 

> The tough choice: Fresno State.

> Why is everyone all over Texas Tech like W on Desperate Housewives? You do know this is basically the same Texas Tech team that has been out there for eight years, right? 

> You want a Kansas this year; how about Pittsburgh?

> So Michigan State is the sleeper in the Big Ten? You mean the same MSU team that is picked to be the sleeper every year? The same MSU team that goes 6-0 before finishing 7-5 every year? That team? Good pick.

> I know nothing about this quarterback from Central Michigan Dan LeFevour but did you know he is only the second quarterback in history to throw for over 3,000 yards and run for more than 1,000? The only other is Vince Young. Sounds pretty good to me. We’ll have to check him out.

> How come Ohio State is the only school allowed to play two preseason games?

> I sure hope Carson Palmer was right.

> Michigan-Ohio State. November 22. Doesn’t it just seem like this game has upset all over it? Michigan with nothing to prove. Ohio State with everything. And whenever a new coach comes to this rivalry, he seems to be very successful. I’m not saying Michigan will win, just I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

> Upset Special? How about Central Michigan over Georgia?

> The BCS National Championship game? I hope it’s Ohio State just so they can lose again. I wouldn’t even be mad any more. It would just be funny. 

> But I don’t think it willbe. It will be Oklahoma and some SEC school. Let’s say Florida.

> The Heisman. Here’s a bold prediction. It will be won by the quarterback of a top five team. I’ll take Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford.


As for the other league starting tomorrow, The Busket Boys play a doubleheader starting at 8:15. We could be in for a long season seeing as most of us have never played softball before and those that have were on a team that won two games, one by forfeit. You know it could be a long season when we are scrounging to find bats, balls, gloves and saying we don’t need cleats. By no means are “Softball Guys.” But I’m pretty sure we are in a league full of them. Screw it. Call us Boise State, 1980 USA hockey, App. State or whoever you want. The Busket Boys are making a strong showing.

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Remembering the Olympics

Yesterday was the first day there wasn’t Olympics 16 days. At the beginning of the Games I said something along the lines of how I wouldn’t watch and the Games have lost all their luster. I believe my exact words were “It’s a thousands of athletes no one knows, playing a bunch of sports no one cares about, testing positive for more banned substances than cyclists in the Tour de France, on a tape delay broadcast which everyone already knows the results to.” Most of you agreed with me that the Olympics just weren’t worth our time.

However, I think we were all wrong. The Olympics captivated all of us. Everyone I’ve talked said they didn’t think they’d watch the Games but every night. I didn’t watch every night but I was following them more than I ever thought I would. It helped that there were some great stories from Beijing. Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, the USA men’s volleyball team, Misty May-whatever her name is and Shawn Johnson. What may be the saddest part of the Olympics closing is now it’s back to NBC program, which is awful outside of The Office (which is sliding) and America’s Got Talent (horribly entertaining show). Here are some final thoughts on the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games.

> Let’s hope Shawn Johnson falls on hard time and needs to pose for Playboy in two years.

> If you last name is Bolt, you have an obligation to name your son Lightening or Nutsen.

> You know you are into the Olympics when you are in a house with six guys and you are watching rhythmic gymnastics over the Browns game.

> How come professional athletes are allowed to compete in every sport besides boxing?

> Kerri Walsh should never be photographed from the front.

> I can’t wait to see what kind of outfits they find Misty May to wear on Dancing with the Stars.

> The USA basketball team looked good. I originally thought they’d beat the 1992 Dream Team because they are younger and more athletic but after revisiting the rosters, I’ll take the Dream Team. No one stops Jordan, no one. And there were 10 sure fire, no doubt about Hall of Famers on the 92 team. On the 08 team, maybe three.

> How awkward was that post game interview with Kobe and Wade after they won the gold medal. A silly interview with what looked like fake enthusiasm and then a Rocky/Apollo type hug when they jumped up and down. Just weird.

> So a hot Russian competed on USA’s gymnastic team and an ugly American played on Russia’s basketball team? I wish we could make that trade in every day life.

When people go out of their way to watch a swimming race, you know the Olympics have captivated the country. Michael Phelps single handily saved the Games. If he loses one of those first races, or isn’t even in the race, I don’t we, Americans that is, get sucked in and watch the rest. We would have been just the causal viewer and missed a great two weeks. So thanks to Michael Phelps for sucking me into the Games and more importantly, to seeing the underage wonder that is Shawn Johnson.

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A classic power meeting

What a very, very interesting weekend. A trip to Columbus resulting in a meeting with our good blogging friend Graig, playing way to many games of bartender, looking forward to Bob Evans at 6 am, watching USA basketball when getting home from the bars and seeing Seal put his balls on all our friends who had passed out. It was a great time.

Arrive in Columbus and immediately break-in our host for the weekend’s brand new, fully stocked bar. It was going to be a good weekend. However, a small damper was put on the beginning of the festivities when Graig emailed me and said he would not be coming out Friday night because his Mrs. wouldn’t let him. His exact words, “sometimes the wife reigns you in.” Very disappointing and I let him know so. 

Graig’s testicles must have descended at some point between noon and 6 p.m. because that’s when I got a text saying he was in. I would have loved to see how that conversation went with his wife. “Honey, I know we have plans tonight but if it’s OK, I’m going to cancel them and go out with a random guy I have never met before.” Wonder what the wife was thinking then? 

The next four hours made it feel like I was G$’s wife. We began texting back and forth about where to meet. Back and forth we went trying to convince the other to meet when he was going to be. It was like trying to convince your significant other to eat Italian when she wanted Mexican. I finally won.

Then the moment of truth came. I got to the bar, took a sit with my friends and then my phone rang. It was G$. I picked up, “Yo,” I yelled. Then nothing. He had hung up. What was that? Did he succumb to the nervous little girl in him and couldn’t bring himself to say anything so he just hung up? Was the pressure of meeting a new guy getting to him and left him choking like Sergio in the final round (way to do it again yesterday Serg!)? I didn’t know but this was starting to get weird. I really felt like I was meeting someone off the Internet for the first time. Oh, wait, I was. But this was my first time meeting a guy with the intentions of sex. Err, I mean, first time ever meeting a guy off the Internet. 

After Graig’s little hang up call, I noticed him sitting at another table, with Damman, waving his arm at me. He did the normal one arm in the air, not so much a wave, wave. I could tell though he really wanted to do a full, double arm, stand in the air, I can’t control my excitement wave but he did a good job containing his emotions.

This was it. The moment nearly a year and a half in the making. Finally the blogging superpowers of G$ and J Beanie were going to meet. What was going to happen with such powerful bloggers got together? Would streetlights explode? Would everyone faint? Would the paparazzi come out of bush and take our pictures? How should I greet him? Should I hug him? Should I shake his hand? Do I introduce myself? He knows mine name, but I’ve never met him. Should I introduce myself as Brent or J Beanie? So many questions, not enough time to answer them all. Graig approached look more like a shopping mall Santa Claus than a sports blogger. Dammon flaked him filling his role as Robin to his Batman and I had Roseberg filling the same roll (and Frank too). It was a pleasant time. Nothing too crazy and it was nice to have conversation like real people instead of two nerds doing it through a website. The meeting was everything you could expect. Fantasy football talk dominated the conversation. It was exactly like talking to each other through the websites only without the websites. The night ended when Graig said he had to leave to beat the wife home. I think he added “home” just for a cover up. We said our good-bye and went our separate ways. You know when you see someone on the street and you talk and then say good-bye only to find out you are walking the same way and then its awkward. Well, that’s what happened only after our good-byes, we ran into each other in the bathroom. A quick thought of playing swords was discussed but better judgment won out and we passed. Another good-bye (a second good-bye is always awkward but even more so when done in a bathroom) and the meeting of the blogging powers that be was over. 

Saturday night didn’t bring us back together and therefore Seal and Graig could not meet in the much anticpated “who would be the first to punch the other” match up. Oh, well. So our entertainment on Saturday came from watching two hot lesbians at the bar and then coming home, watching USA basketball and watching Seal put his testicles on their heads, taking pictures of it and then showing those pictures to all the friends the next morning. Classic.

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U-S-A! U-S-A!

What’s going on with the USA? What’s this world coming to? Our once dominate athletic teams aren’t so dominate anymore. Are they under the leadership of or military? Let’s take it one-by-one.

Softball. Really? You lose to Japan? How does this happen? Japan. The country where a person over 5’5” is considered tall. The country where they choose to eat rice over steak. The country where their game shows involve goats, tricycles, urine and mayonnaise. The country where their porn is so bizarre you don’t want your friends to know you look at it. The country where their cartoons make you have seizures. This is the country who beat you. In softball. The sport you own. The sport they are taking out of the Olympics because no one can compete with you. The sport you haven’t lost in what seems like 85 years. Good work girls. Way to do your country proud and go out with a bang.

Track. Ummmm what are you guys doing? You know the point, and only point of this sport is to run fast, right? And you are really going to let Jamaican’s dominate you. Really? Those pot heads are better than you? Come on. There’s no way weed makes you run faster. That’s embarrassing. And the “fastest man in America” can’t even place in the top four of a qualifying race? Well, at least those of you who lost to the Jamaicans actually finished the race. Unlike the 4×100 relay teams. Really guys? It’s a baton. You know, a short little stick. You hand it to the person in front of you. Don’t let go until the get it and when you feel it in your hand, you grab it. Don’t let it fall. Then there was that guy in the 200 who was disqualified for stepping out of his lane. They asked him what happened. “Nothing.” Reporter: “You stepped out of your lane.” Runner: “I didn’t think so.” Reporter: “You did. What now?” Runner: “Protest.” Then gives the peace sign and leaves. Sweet.

Oh, and when running the hurdles, you may want to jump over all of them, not just eight of the ten.

World Champions in the women’s 200 and 400 couldn’t win and even our “countryman” we stole from Kenya couldn’t make the finals in the event he holds the world record in.

Track was such a disappointment, it prompted USA Track & Field to conduct a comprehensive review of all the programs. That’s how bad it has been. They can’t even wait until the games are over to do it. 

Hell, our gymnast can’t even beat 12-year old Chinese girls.

But at least we have women’s soccer. And women’s basketball. Good work there girls. 

God Bless America.


How good did I look on TV? Who fell in love? Tony Rizzo called me B. Nice. Thanks T.


G$. Us Akron-ites are invading C-Bus/Dublin this weekend starting tonight. Interested in ending our Internet relationship and starting a real life one? Or at least one night of drunken passion?

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Who is Michael Phelps’ Father?


Remember that book growing up called “Are you my Mommy?” about the little bird (I think it was a bird) who couldn’t find his mom? (Wow, two question marks in one sentence is pretty impressive.) I was reminded of the book because of something that has been going on at the Olympics. Michael Phelps undoubtedly is the story of the Olympics (followed closely behind by Bolt the hottness of Shawn Johnson). But Phelps’ mother as been just as, if not more prominent at the games as her son. Phelps’ sisters are also there (who surprisinly aren’t as ugly as Michael). But where is his dad? I don’t know the back story here but it has made me wonder where he is. He could be dead for all I know (although I doubt it because that would be too good of a story for Jimmy Roberts not to do). Phelps’ dad must be so deadbeat that he can’t even come out to absorb the spotlight when his son is the most popular man in the world. That makes me wonder about his identity. Maybe the father needs to keep his identity a secret. Maybe if the world knew who he was, some super secret world domination plot would be revealed. Maybe if everyone knew Mr. Phelps, we would be so blown away by who he was, our minds would explode. With that in mind, here are top five most likely, and logical choices as to who is the father of Michael Phelps.


5. Aquaman – Who else can move so well in water? And don’t they look very similiar?

4. Flipper the Dolphin – Makes sense, right? Dolphins swim fast in water, so does Phelps. And surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, they have the same smile.

3. Jesus Christ – JC can walk on water, Phelps basically looked like he was walking on water the way he was so much faster than everyone else.

2. Jesse – You know, the kid from Free Willy. Doesn’t make sense at first but think about it for a second. Jesse was able to train Willy when no one else could. He was able to make the fish, (mammel, whatever) do amazing things. Phelps needed special attention as a kid because he got picked on. He was different. He needed someone who understood. Who better understands than your father who also was picked on. Jesse used the same techniques he did on Willy on Michael to make him the, like the killer whale, the most dangerous fish (mammal) in the water.

1. Mark Spitz – Why wasn’t Spitz at the games to see his record broken like Michael Johnson? Well, one, no one likes Spitz but two, his relationship with his son has gone down hill ever since he realized he trained him too good as a boy. In their youth, Spitz and Phelps were close, swimming together, racing, just having a good time. But as Phelps continued to improve and the endorsement contracts and speaking demands fading, Spitz got more and more bitter. He turned the clorren of the pool in for the liquir of the bottle. He knew one day Phelps was going to surpass him and his records, which was the only thing that made him feel like he was a somebody. When that began happening, Spitz couldn’t handle it anymore. He vowed to never let anyone know who was Phelps’ real father and sit and sulk from his small appartment where he stays with his seven cats, all named Gold, on his couch in his tight blue USA sweatsuit with the seven gold medals still around his neck, never bad mouthing his son, but never praising him as he calls up every media outlet to remind them of how much better he was in ‘72 than Phelps is ‘08.

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