Remember that book growing up called “Are you my Mommy?” about the little bird (I think it was a bird) who couldn’t find his mom? (Wow, two question marks in one sentence is pretty impressive.) I was reminded of the book because of something that has been going on at the Olympics. Michael Phelps undoubtedly is the story of the Olympics (followed closely behind by Bolt the hottness of Shawn Johnson). But Phelps’ mother as been just as, if not more prominent at the games as her son. Phelps’ sisters are also there (who surprisinly aren’t as ugly as Michael). But where is his dad? I don’t know the back story here but it has made me wonder where he is. He could be dead for all I know (although I doubt it because that would be too good of a story for Jimmy Roberts not to do). Phelps’ dad must be so deadbeat that he can’t even come out to absorb the spotlight when his son is the most popular man in the world. That makes me wonder about his identity. Maybe the father needs to keep his identity a secret. Maybe if the world knew who he was, some super secret world domination plot would be revealed. Maybe if everyone knew Mr. Phelps, we would be so blown away by who he was, our minds would explode. With that in mind, here are top five most likely, and logical choices as to who is the father of Michael Phelps.
5. Aquaman – Who else can move so well in water? And don’t they look very similiar?
4. Flipper the Dolphin – Makes sense, right? Dolphins swim fast in water, so does Phelps. And surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, they have the same smile.
3. Jesus Christ – JC can walk on water, Phelps basically looked like he was walking on water the way he was so much faster than everyone else.
2. Jesse – You know, the kid from Free Willy. Doesn’t make sense at first but think about it for a second. Jesse was able to train Willy when no one else could. He was able to make the fish, (mammel, whatever) do amazing things. Phelps needed special attention as a kid because he got picked on. He was different. He needed someone who understood. Who better understands than your father who also was picked on. Jesse used the same techniques he did on Willy on Michael to make him the, like the killer whale, the most dangerous fish (mammal) in the water.
1. Mark Spitz – Why wasn’t Spitz at the games to see his record broken like Michael Johnson? Well, one, no one likes Spitz but two, his relationship with his son has gone down hill ever since he realized he trained him too good as a boy. In their youth, Spitz and Phelps were close, swimming together, racing, just having a good time. But as Phelps continued to improve and the endorsement contracts and speaking demands fading, Spitz got more and more bitter. He turned the clorren of the pool in for the liquir of the bottle. He knew one day Phelps was going to surpass him and his records, which was the only thing that made him feel like he was a somebody. When that began happening, Spitz couldn’t handle it anymore. He vowed to never let anyone know who was Phelps’ real father and sit and sulk from his small appartment where he stays with his seven cats, all named Gold, on his couch in his tight blue USA sweatsuit with the seven gold medals still around his neck, never bad mouthing his son, but never praising him as he calls up every media outlet to remind them of how much better he was in ‘72 than Phelps is ‘08.