Welcome back J Beanie.
I know you all have missed me in the two days I didn’t post. I need your help in catching up on everything I missed. I didn’t really watch too much sports since I sat around the pool all day was out all night. I did try to catch some SportsCenter but not that much. So please inform me of what I missed.
Because I didn’t watch too much sports, whether you like it or not, I’m going to give you a quick rundown of my trip.
Why does security need to inspect your feet if you are wearing sandals?
I saw a guy who looked exactly like Zach Morris; if only Zach was extremely gay but the guy was MPG. Everything from the outfit to the hair. I yelled out Preppie once but got no reaction.
I flew out of Akron-Canton and my plan left like 10 minutes late. Not a big deal but when your layover in Charlotte is only 30 minutes, it becomes a bigger deal. By the time I got off the plane, it was down to 15 minutes. Of course my plane came in at G11 and I was flying out of B3, the farthest away you could possibly be. I sprinted to the gate and saw that there was no plane there. Crap. I missed it. Nope, it had been delayed until 9:50. Damn, but at least I didn’t miss it.
So with slightly over two hours to kill, I did what all single travelers do, go to the bar. What a sight the airport bar is. I saw a middle age man bring a Burger King burger into the bar and pay for a $6.27 beer with exactly $6.27. Not even $6.50 or $6.30. Exactly $6.27. Quality.
Then I saw a Mexican who I couldn’t figure out if he was a midget or a little boy. He had the face of an older guy but the body of a boy. It wasn’t the midget body where everything is short and stumpy. It was a normal 10 year old’s body. But his head was the head of a 40 year old only it was at least two sizes too big for the rest of him. Then to make the scene ever sweeter, as he was leaving his table (not drinking a beer so that didn’t help with my age question) he put on a blue blazer. Let me tell you, I haven’t see a guy look that sweet since Gay Zach Morris.
As I sat at the bar, I talked to this guy who’s plane had been delayed since 6. It was 8 at the time. He was flying from Detroit to LA. In Detroit, he had his rental car stolen with his wallet and cell phone in it. (Remember, don’t go to Detroit, ever.) He said his day has been bad and didn’t know when his flight would leave and even when it did, he had a 5 hour trip. So as pissed I was my flight was delayed, at least I wasn’t him. (And he was black to make his situation worse.)
I made my way to my new gate at 8:50. The flight had been moved up to 9:30. The plane was there, the pilots were on board and everything was ready to go. Except we didn’t have any flight attendants. 9:10, still none. 9:25, 9:35, 10:00 still none. Where the hell are these idiots? Finally at 10:25, the two of four show up. The crowd starts cheering. I started booing and soon there were more boos then cheers. We didn’t take off until almost 11, meaning I didn’t get to Orlando until midnight and not back to the condo until 1:30 (but that’s because FD or FFIL [Fiance’s Dad or Future Father-in-law] got lost). Oh well, a crazy first day to the trip was over and now it was time to relax.
The days were spent by the pool and nothing to crazy happened. But a few lessons were learned.
I’m not the fastest water slider.
If you take a water cannon shot to the stomach it’s very comical for everyone. FB-2 took a shot to the stomach also but (G)FB was too scared. He thought it would kill you. What a wuss.
If you put more then one grown man on a water slide at the same time, it looks pretty gay.
If babies poop in water, the diaper only semi-helps.
The F learned Penguins can’t fly and the pools at Sea World are salt water.
If you have to poop after being in the water, it doesn’t matter what kind of toilet paper you use, it’s not going to be an easy wipe.
Renting a car is a bigger pain in the ass than Yankee, Red Sox and Ohio State fans combined. (The F and I made a reservation to pick up a car at 8 am on Saturday morning to get to Sea World and our hotel and the airport on Sunday. Her family was leaving Saturday morning so they couldn’t give us a ride. We got to the rental place and the guy said our car wasn’t there yet. It would be at least 8:30 before it came in. I felt like I was in Seinfeld. We made a reservation and our car wasn’t there. I asked what’s the point of opening at 8 if you can’t get a car until 8:30. Long story short, we didn’t get our car until 10. I called the general manager and simply asked him two questions. (And by simply, I mean in the most irritated, pissed of way.) First, why do you take reservations if you can’t get us a car? (His answer, we didn’t foresee this problem coming up. You don’t know if you have a car for us when we called three days in advance? I could see the night before but three days?) Second, I asked him to give me one logical reason why it was fair for us to pay for this car when our days whole plans were messed up and people missed their ride to the airport. He said he couldn’t. Then I said I’m not paying for the car. Let’s just say Hertz hasn’t heard the last of J Beanie.
Working live shows with animals can be hilarious. When we finally got to Sea World, the first show we saw was the sea lion and otter show. Well, only the sea lions decided not to anything. The trainer would want it to follow him and the sea lion refused. He just laid down in the middle of the stage and didn’t move. Funny yes but when the third sea lion they brought out was also doing it, it became hilarious.
Getting stuck on a roller coaster is no fun. Sea World has one roller coast and it’s a pretty good ride; except when you get stuck on it. Sitting 95 degree heat and being strapped to a chair, even for only 10 minutes, is not so much fun.
I saw a penguin poop on another one. That was pretty funny.
Since Sea World is an Anheuser-Busch park, they have a hospitality tent when you can get a free 12 oz draft of any of their beers. That came in convenient throughout the day. Then, The F and I did this beer taste test thing when we got to sample four different kinds of their beer and learn about each kind and what kind of foods go with them. It was a pretty sweet deal. Of course, when isn’t free beer a sweet deal.
Besides the beer, the best sight of the day was a little boy carrying around a backpack with “CUM” spelled out on it.
The flight home didn’t start of much better than the flight there. I was standing in line for Burger King breakfast at 10. By 10:10, we (us in line) were wondering if they still had breakfast. I really wanted French toast sticks and a croissanwich. A lady went to ask if they still had breakfast and BK said they did not. I’d say 80% of the people left the long line. No other place was still selling breakfast either. It’s only 10:15 people. It’s still breakfast time. This is an outrage. Congress needs to step in here.
After that, the flight home was on time and perfect. Minus the fact that I’m back in Ohio and at work this morning.
So, in a nutshell, that was J Beanie’s trip to Orlando.
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