Archive for December, 2008

A mystery for you on this New Year’s Eve

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVE TO ALL MY LOYAL READERS who came on to this site today and continuously check it even though it’s after noon now and there still wasn’t anything up. I didn’t have anything to write about today but then I thought of a few things to share with you. 

I didn’t feel like talking about what the best of 2008 was since you can read those anywhere. I thought about going back through the year of J Beanie and pulling out the best lines and best comments but I got bored with that after three posts. So I wasn’t going to write anything but then I saw this: Media giant Viacom Inc. said its Nickelodeon, MTVComedy Central and 16 other channels will go dark for 13 million subscribers at 12:01 a.m. Thursday if a new carriage fee deal with Time Warner Cable Inc. is not agreed upon by then.

Now, it would suck if Comedy Central went off the air but remember one of my wishes from Beanie’s Christmas Wish List? I wrote “MTV would declare backupcy and force to go off air.” Well, this is as close to that as it will get. If only there was a way for Comedy Central to stay on and MTV never to return. Sure, there would be a lot of sad, crying, disappointed little to teenage girls (and Brother Scott) but everyone will be better off without MTV. If losing Comedy Central is what it takes to get rid of MTV, I’ll take it. The good for Comedy Central can’t even compare to the bad of MTV. It will be a much better world with no MTV.

One other totally non related to anything ever discussed on Beanie I want to address. It was about three weeks ago, right before the GF and I went to NYC. We were driving to Rosenberg’s house to pick up his GPS. When I pulled out of my street and on to a busy one, I see a bright light up a head to the left. But I didn’t know what it was?

Was it a plane? No, too close to the ground and not moving to be a plane.

Was it the blimp? No, again, too close to the ground and too small.

Was it a tower they put in and I didn’t know about it? No, it was too close to the road and I know Silver Lake isn’t building and cell phone towers.

I had to figure this out. I turned off the road in to the Village Hall which is an open parking lot and a field. There was nothing for the light to hide behind. I pulled up almost directly underneath it. I still had no idea what this thing could be. I’m staring up at and by the GF and I are confused. Then, like a scared cat, it took off. The bright light was moving across the sky like a dog had just seen a squirrel and took off after it. The light moved across the sky until it had disappeared behind some woods. 

As it moved, I would guess it was no more than 200 feet in the air, maybe less. It was about the size of a large truck or conversion van. It looked like a spy plane. Maybe it was a UFO. I don’t know and we’ll never know because the GF didn’t let me chase after it. Who knows? Maybe I was abducted and probed and the aliens erased my memory. As anyone ever had something like this happen to them? Anyone have an explanation of what I saw that faithful night? I’m so confused and scared. Why would someone spy on me? Why would a UFO want to come to Silver Lake, Ohio? Nothing makes sense.

So there’s your mystery for the day. Good-bye 2008, hello 2009. If you want to know what is going to happen to 2009, go check out Graig’s site. He has nothing but good predictions and there is even a better one in his comments section. HAPPY NEW YEAR.


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Let’s all go to the chapel

I wrote this story for my newspaper but “it would offend too many people,” said my editor, so it wasn’t allowed to be published. But there’s no way it  could offend any of my blog readers. So, luck you, you get to read it.

After Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, the priest of my church said to the large, standing room only, capacity-crowd on hand, “For some of you, I’ll see you next week. For most of you, I’ll see you at Easter.” 

I know that joke has been told before but it’s very true. My guess is that well over 50 percent of the people who go to church on Christmas don’t go to church regularly and won’t attend another service until Easter.

Whatever. Some people go to church, some people don’t. But I was thinking, what could churches do to get more people in the pews every Sunday? 

You know how at baseball games, especially minor league games, they have those wacky giveaways and promotions? Stuff like giving mini bats out on Tonya Harding Night and having money being dropped from a helicopter.

Minor league baseballs aren’t the best sporting event to go see so they rely on promotions to get people in the stands. 

For a lot of people, church is more a chore than something they look forward to doing. But what if churches adobted a minor league baseball mentality and starting doing giveaways and promotions to get people back to their place of worship. 

If that were to happen, here are some of my suggestions for the church to give away.

– a giant foam finger that says “Go God #1.”

– a Jesus bobble head.

– a Belgium waffle iron that makes waffles that look like Jesus’s face.

– a Jesus tie that plays Hallelujah.

– The first 100 people in the door get a special blessing. Any kind of blessing you want: forgiveness, sickness, strength, etc.

– Give out chocolate flavored Eucharist and beer flavor wine.

– Instead of pews, the church is filled with Laz-E-Boys and couches.

– First ten families in the door don’t have to make a donation during collection and God can’t hold it against them.

– Have Jesus look-a-like contests.

– Venders passing out popcorn and peanuts.

– Have a children’s contest where all the kids draw what they think God looks like and the rest of the congragation votes. The winning kid’s family gets one blind pull from the collection basket to keep for themselves.

So there you have it. That’s only a few but there are hundreds of fun giveaways that could work. All of which I’m sure would offend someone and never actually happen but its fun to pretend. 

What do you got? What would get you to church?

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Thanks for the memories

A pretty crazy end to the NFL regular season yesterday wasn’t it? Nothing says “thank goodness for the offseason more than a 1.0 quarterback rating from Bruce Gradkoswskihadski.” Well, maybe “Jamal Lewis gaining 1,000 yards in a season in which he never had a 100-yard rushing game.” Or how about “not scoring an offensive touchdown in six games, or not even coming close to scoring one in the last two games.” I think all us Browns fans can be happy this season is over. GFB said it best yesterday when he said something along these lines, “I used to think an 18-game schedule would be awesome. But after this season, I’m glad it’s only 16.” 

2008 is by far the worst season in Browns history since their “glorious” return in 1999. That’s a bold statement I know, but it’s the truth. In the first few years, you expected the Browns to be bad. Even their playoff appearance didn’t give you any confidence for the future. But last year did. The 10-6 season was suppose to lead to great things this year. Instead, we were left with Bruce Gradcosashoiski tripping and following over his over feet not once but twice, the Steelers playing all back-ups in the fourth quarter and still dominating the game and wondering, realistically, if the Browns could stop Oklahoma or Florida or score on USC. (Seriously, would they? Who would be favored in those match-ups? Also, when a quarterback is 5-for-16 for 18 yards and two interceptions, how is that a 1.0 rating? Shouldn’t it be in the negatives? I mean, it doesn’t get any worse than that does it?)

One last thing on the Browns. Time for another rebuilding project. There is going to be a lot of talk this week about who the Browns should bring in as GM/VP of football operations and coach. Cowher, Pioli, Parcells are the top names the Browns will/should go after. But I think all are a stretch to come to Cleveland. That would leave the Browns looking at assistant coaches for head coach and guys with front office experience who haven’t been as successful as Savage in the GM spot. They could find a gem like Baltimore did with John Harbaugh or the Steelers with Mike Tomlin, but let’s be honest. This is the Browns and whatever move they make will probably leave them in the same spot they are now in four years.

As for the rest of the games yesterday, Congratulations to us all. I’m so happy to say I was alive to see the first 0-16 team in NFL history. What a treat the Detroit Lions have been this year. It almost makes you feel good as a Browns fan until you realize the Lions would score 48 points on the Browns and the only reason they are winless is because they didn’t play Cleveland.

Damn you Jacksonville for having an equally disappointing season as the Browns and not being able to beat Baltimore. Now the Steelers and the Ravens are in the playoffs and if the met in the AFC title game, I’m joining the Taliban and pushing for a plan to get Heinz Field. 

What’s going to be more talked about this week; the actual games to be played Saturday and Sunday or what is going to happen in Dallas?

How about the Dolphins? If Parcells can make a 10-win improvement with them in one year, what do you think he could do with the Browns? A two-win improvement? Wouldn’t that be the equivalent?

Is Denver’s late season collapse the worst even in NFL? Who got to try very hard to blow a four game lead with four games to play and never being not in first place until the season ended.

Maybe Tampa Bay’s who was 9-3 and lost their last four games.

Brees needed just 16 more yards to set the single season NFL pass record. I don’t know if I feel bad he didn’t get it or happy because he annoys me because Seal always has him on his fantasy team. The last two years, Brees has been like A-Rod when he was on Texas, putting up great numbers on a team that isn’t any good.

Did anyone think the Falcons, Titans, Arizona, Miami or Baltimore would be in the playoffs at the beginning of the year? Or the Chargers after being 4-8 or the Eagles after tying the Bengals? Or the Colts after a 21-31 lost to Tennessee left them 3-4 on the year?

An interesting regular season should lead the way to a very interesting post season. Always right-on Beanie predictions coming Friday.

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Are coaches as bad at fantasy football as they are in real life?

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Santa brought them what they wanted. Before we get to the final week of the NFL regular season, I wanted to throw something out there. Do you think NFL coaches play fantasy football? And if they do, do they make the same questionable moves in the fantasy world as they do on the actually playing field?

For instance, would The Chocolate Dumpling play Edgerrin James over Chris Johnson because he didn’t want to play a rookie? Would a Herm Edwards run league count near win’s as wins? Would Mike Shanahan have a roster full of running backs?

What about if GM’s played? Would Al Davis draft OJ Simpson and Terry Bradsaw? Would Kevin McHale trade Drew Brees, Adrian Peterson and Andre Johnson for Kerry Collins, Mewelde Moore and next year’s fourth-round pick?

Sorry but that was something on my mind and I wanted to share it. Now for Week 17 NFL picks. Last week I had my first under .500 week going on 7-8. That brings the year record to 132-92-1. 

ATLANTA vs St. Louis – Atlanta is playing for the fifth seed, St. Louis is playing for Jim Haslett’s job. What’s that? Haslett isn’t coming back regardless because he is an awful coach who can only beat the Redskins? OK, then I’ll take Atlanta.

NEW ENGLAND at Buffalo – The Patriots need to win and Baltimore needs to lose. New England deserves to be in the playoffs. 

KANSAS CITY at Cincinnati – Come on Herm, you can build on this for next year.

GREEN BAY vs Detroit – Aaron Rodgers, don’t pull a Favre and piss everyone in America off and lose this game. 0-16!!! Together we can!!!

INDIANAPOLIS vs Tennessee – Neither team has anything to play for. But this game brings up horrible Jim Sorgi memories. That god-awful excuse of a quarterback cost the Browns a playoff spot last year. 

NY GIANTS at Minnesota – No team with the quarterback tandem of Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson should make the playoffs and when they blow this game and Chicago beats Houston, that will be proven.

CAROLINA at New Orleans – Even with nothing to play for and back-ups getting some time, the Saints defense can’t stop the Panthers.

PITTSBURGH vs Cleveland – The Chocolate Dumpling is 0-7 against Pittsburgh. This could be his best chance to get the win. It could be his last chance, too. Pittsburgh has nothing to play for and may take the time to get some second string players in and give Ben Rotherhilseburger a chance to rest his sore shoulder. The Steelers may take this game lightly, since it will have a preseason feel to it, and that gives the Browns a chance. Of course by chance I mean a chance not to be shut out, not actually win the game.

OAKLAND at Tampa Bay – No team with the quarterback tandem of Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese should make the playoffs. Even if the elimination comes against a team like Oakland.

CHICAGO at Houston – No team with the quarterback tandem of Kyle Orton and Rex Groomsman should make the playoffs. So what do you do? You don’t play Grossman and you go to the playoffs.

JACKSONVILLE at Baltimore – Jax can salvage their season (not really but in my eyes they will) by beating the Ravens and keeping them out of the playoffs.

SAN FRANCISCO vs Washington – Two teams with nothing to play for, you go with coaching. I’ll take the coach who isn’t afraid to drop his pants in front of his players over the coach who proclaimed himself (rightfully so) “the worst coach.” 

MIAMI at New York Jets – Not only will this win give Chad Pennington some redemption in after being released by the Jets, but it will give Beanie some redemption for picking the Dolphins to make the playoffs.

PHILADELPHIA vs Dallas – Let the “what is going to happen with the Cowboys?” and “Why can’t Romo win a big game?” and “What is Jerry Jones going to do?” talk begin. It may even be such a big story, ESPN will simply refuse to cover the playoff games and focus solely on Dallas.

SEATTLE at Arizona  – Worst division champs ever?

DENVER at San Diego – Worst division champs ever?

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Beanie’s Christmas Wish List

It’s Christmas time here at J Beanie. Kids all over the world are writing letters to Santa and making their wish list. At J Beanie, we’re no different. We’ve made a wish list too. This holiday season (and beyond) Beanie is wishing…


  • Frank would make a triumpht return to the comments. 
  • Team River City turns the season around, goes 5-0, and wins the league.
  • Seal and Graig get a chance to meet and end up falling in love.
  • During a Beanie reunion, we decide to kill W and not surprisingly there is on investigation into his missing since no one is actually missing him.
  • The Cavs win 60+ games, beat the Celtics in game seven at Boston in the Eastern Conference Finals then roll over Kobe in the Finals.
  • Brady Quinn is the answer at quarterback.
  • The WNBA would finally go away.
  • The AFL comes back (seriously, the AFL can’t survive the economy but the WNBA can? Does this make any sense?)
  • The Browns would go back to wearing orange tops and brown pants and vice a versa. Or even an all orange uni but not the orange tops and white pants.
  • The Cavs new throw backs would be the blue and gold from Mark Price’s era and the horrible blue and black from the Shawn Kemp era.
  • brian_sipe_21cmillscavsprice_102104_170
  • The Ravens don’t make the playoff.
  • The Patriots and Dolphins both do.
  • The Steelers don’t make it to the Super Bowl.
  • But if they do, they lose in the most lopsided SB of all time.
  • That its any Super Bowl match-up besides Colts-Giants.
  • Matt Cassel signs a good deal next year and lives up to it.
  • Pictures of Cassel’s sister finally become available on the Internet so you can all see her for yourself.
  • That 24 doesn’t suck this year.
  • Prison Break would end already.
  • MTV would declare backupcy and force to go off air.
  • I pick 25 games in a row on ESPN’s streak game next year.
  • 2442083480_f3eb4fce42_oMike Tyson enters the Nathon’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest next year and ends up trying to eat Kobyashi. (did you see how fat he is now?)
  • That Steven A. Smith was friends with Jason Williams or Plaxico so he’d get shot.
  • The Lions go 0-16. (not even a wish anymore as it is a guarantee.)
  • For a dominating performance at Myrtle this year.
  • C.C. throws his arm out.
  • Kerry Wood doesn’t.
  • Tiger Woods wins all four majors in 2009.
  • LeBron signs his extension.
  • BILLY returns to the NBA.
  • More people take the lead set by Stylez G. White and change their names to movie character names. 
  • Tropic Thunder wins some Academy Awards because it was the best/funniest movie I saw all year.
  • Refs continue to knock down football players because it is halirious and I’m sure the player gets ripped on by his teammates.
  • NBA refs would start doing this too.
  • Skip Bayless breaks down crying on whatever crappy show he is on on ESPN about Shaun Smith punching the love of his life Brady Quinn.
  • The public finds out what blackmail Skip Bayless has on ESPN that is allowing him keep his job when no one likes him and the public doesn’t care what it is just as long as Skip leaves and never comes back.
  • ESPN does a tournament like show (we know they love those) like the What’s Now? tournament but only in this one, they have all their on-air personalities go against each other the public can vote who they want to never see on TV again.
  • All ESPN hires need to approved by a 70-30 vote by ESPN.com users.
  • J Beanie Sports wins Blogging Website of the Year.
  • I win some writing awards at work here posthumously.
  • College football finds some system that works, or at least makes a little more sense, like an 8-team playoff.
  • Texas blows out Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl and Oklahoma beats Florida, barely, and the AP poll votes Texas No. 1 so we have a split national championship, just to piss the BCS supporters off. (That would be two split titles in, what, five years? That should prove something isn’t right.)
  • Michigan gets a black quarterback.
  • Michigan can beat MAC schools next year. (Small steps)
  • Michigan basketball’s top 25 ranking last longer than to the first week of the Big Ten schedule. (I mean they may be good and they beat UCLA and Duke but their other wins are against Michigan Tech [who knew that was a real school], Northeaster, Norfolk St., Savannah St., Eastern Michigan, Oakland and Florida Gulf Coast. Not the schedule of a Sweet 16 team.)
  • Mark Shapiro finds a second basemen.
  • The Indians make it back to the playoffs and Cliff Lee wins 16 games.
  • Some team, like Cleveland State, pulls a George Mason/Davidson and makes a run deep into March.
  • That the NCAA tournament was here now.
  • I can make it to the Kentucky Derby for Seal’s graduation.
  • That the GF doesn’t realize what she is getting into and says ‘yes’ at the alter.
  • The Browns hire either Bill Cowher or the Patriots VP of Personnel Scott Pioli and let him hire the new coach.
  • That all Cleveland teams have season that we can still pay attention to after the halfway point.
  • That all my Beanie lovers have a great Christmas. 

Enjoy the holiday. I’ll be back maybe Friday, maybe not. I’ll leave you in suspense.  I hope Santa is good to you all. MERRY CHRISTMAS!


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A random Monday

How come at the end of the year, you don’t feel like working? Or doing much of anything? You get lazy, just want to lay around watching TV or something even lazier than that. Is it because it’s the end of the year? The holidays? Because we are used to being in school and having these two weeks off and still wish everything shut down for two weeks? Is it all the food? All the annoyingly fun family parties? I’m not sure but because of this, I don’t feel like writing anything today so I’ll keep it short and just mention a few things from the weekend.

I’m sure you all saw how LeBron said he’d consider signing an extension at the end of the year to stay in Cleveland. That’s awesome. But let’s not over react. Of course he’d consider it. He loves Cleveland and they can give him the most money. And the Cavs are good. However, he has also said he is looking forward to free agency so let’s just let this go away and not read into it. But I’m still looking forwarding to giving a big middle finger to NYC when LBJ stays in CLE.

LeBron is considering staying in Cleveland because, if you haven’t noticed, the Cavs are good.

Also, if you haven’t noticed, the Browns are bad. I think there was about 2,594 people at the game yesterday and that was 2,594 too many. I wrote this over on Graig’s site but wouldn’t it have been awesome if not a single fan showed up for the game and the Browns and Bengals were forced to play in an empty stadium since that’s what they deserve.

Thank goodness the Lions don’t play the Cardinals or the Browns. I’d pick the Lions over both them.

How long can the Browns scoreless streak last? At least one more game because there’s no way the score on Pittsburgh. So how many games into next season will it run?

During the Browns game, I heard the funniest thing. Who ever was doing the play-by-play for CBS (their 18th team), after the 54th interception thrown by the Browns, he said “the look on Romeo’s face says it all.” Yet it was the exact same face he has had all year. You know, the “I can’t believe the all-you-can-eat-cheeseburge-bar is out of cheeseburgers.” I don’t think Romeo’s expression has changed since Phil Savage told him they are going to start bring fruit in for morning meetings instead of donuts.

I do feel bad for The Chocolate Dumpling because he is going to get fired and it’s not all his fault. Sure, he isn’t a good head coach but I still think he’s a good coordinator. Get him back to being in charge of only the defense and he’s a better coach.

It’s funny to watch two people drink as many White Russians as they can in a night. It’s kind of like watching someone try to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. You just know the puking is coming.

Matt Schaub, Thomas Jones, Brian Westbrook, Andre Johnson and Chris Cooley all fail to score a touchdown and combined to score 37.65 points and yet Scott and I still won the Fantasy Super Bowl. 

Davidson is going to be easy to beat now that everyone knows who Stephen Curry is and he’s the only one who can score on that team. I think him and J.J. Reddick would become good friends in the NBA.

Is Gonzaga the most overrated, under-rated team in college basketball every year?

Headline on ESPN.com: Crosby breaks Jagr’s record for All-Star votes. Crosby got 192 votes.

F-ing W is leading J Beanie’s Bowl Fun after five games. Let’s pray to God he doesn’t hold on to win. (He’s only winning b/c I clicked the wrong team and picked Memphis over South Florida when I wanted SFU and set it as my most confident game. God damn proofreading screws me again.)

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Super Bowl week


It’s Super Bowl week. What an exciting time of the year. You worked all year for this. This is your moment. It’s now or never. You managed your team, you questioned some of your decisions, you found gold on the waiver wire and you survived your bye weeks. You have made it to your fantasy football super bowl. Congratulations. I know we have a few participating in Super Bowls this week including the historic match-up of Damman vs Graig. Seal and Scott take on each other in the third place game in our league, while occasional reader/commenter Bub plays for all the marbles after upsetting league champion Scott last week. 

In that same league, I didn’t make the playoffs. I panicked after an early struggle, made some very questionable moves (I think a lot of the moves was because when you are bored at work you play with your line up so much you need a change), and was out of the playoff picture after Week 9. Just to bitch a little, since it’s all mine fault, let me tell you the line-up I should have had most of the year.

QB – Peyton

RB – DeAngelo Williams, MJD

WR – Lance Moore, Antonio Bryant, Wes Welker, DeSean Jackson 

TE – Dallas Clark

D – Vikings

K – Ryan Longwell

That’s probably a team that wins it all or at least is competitive down the stretch. But no, I dropped Williams, traded Moore and Clark, dropped the Vikings, dropped Bryant, and bench MJD on several of his big games. I think I had the worst fantasy season ever.

However, in the other league where I share the team with my brother, we are in the Super Bowl and the easy favorite. Our team was the best on paper all year and would have been better than our 8-6 record had we been healthy all year.

McNabb or Schaub, Westbrook and Thomas Jones, Colston and A. Johnson, Cooley, Bucs/Eagles, Jeff Reed. That’s an unstoppable team and look for us to take home the championship.

Just wanted to get one last fantasy football talk in this year and good luck to all of you in the Super Bowl. Go Damman!

On to Week 16 of the NFL. A 12-3 record last week puts me at 125-84-1. Not too bad.

DALLAS vs Baltimore – Remember when Saturday NFL games used to be on during the day after college football ended and how nice that was? The NFL Network is starting to piss me off with their games. I don’t have the channel and have to find a bar that does to watch it. And you can’t watch a game you really don’t care about at a bar with so many other things grabbing your attention. But Dallas is starting to play well and as much as I hope they lose, I want Baltimore to lose more. 

CLEVELAND vs CINCINNATI – I’m calling this a push. I could be the first ever 0-0 tie in the history of the NFL and the only game where 15% of the crowd commits suicide together and where fans of both teams leave the game pissed off after booing such horrible football for 60 minutes. I mean it’s Ken Dorsey vs Ryan Fitzpatrick. How on God’s green earth can that be a good football game. I think Cleveland loses the game but the real losers are all of us that will watch the game. 

SAN FRANCISCO at St. Louis – Interim coaches are stupid. However, Mike Singletary has done an awesome job. Why haven’t they named him the head coach and give him a huge contact? 

NEW ORLEANS at Detroit – Two games to  go. Two games to go. Come on Lions. Don’t piss of the world now. We are all rooting for you.

PITTSBURGH at Tennessee – Pittsburgh is the best team in the AFC. Well maybe not the best talent overall but with that defense and that luck, they don’t seem able to lose. 

MIAMI at Kansas City – I’m done picking KC to win every week. I’m going back to picking Miami to win. They are going to win out and sneak into the playoffs.

NEW ENGLAND vs Arizona – Has a division champ ever entered the playoffs on a three-game losing streak? Or lost four in a row to end their season like the Cardinals will? The Patriots win out and get the last AFC playoff spot.

TAMPA BAY vs San Diego – Tampa’s better than Kansas so no comeback this time for the Chargers.

HOUSTON at Oakland – I hope this game stays close and Schaub has to keep throwing the ball and AJ keeps catching it. 

DENVER vs Buffalo – Who is a worst division champ; Denver or Arizona?

SEATTLE vs New York Jets – Seattle plays inspired football in Holgram’s last game in Seattle and Favre pulls a Michael Strahan for his former coach, not realizing it eliminates them from the playoffs.

ATLANTA at Minnesota – Big game. Bigger for Atlanta.

PHILADELPHIA at Washington – If Washington was playing the Lions, I’d be Detroit to win.

CAROLINA at New York Giants – Carolina does the same things the Giants do, only they are healthier and do it better. 

CHICAGO vs Green Bay – Too bad there isn’t a flex schedule for MNF.

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