Wednesday night, while at the local watering hole where everyone in town from as far back as the class of 1817 goes for the pre-Thanksgiving drinkfest, someone shit their pants. Only it was worse. How can it get worse than someone shitting their pants and stinking up the place, you ask. If you shit your pants and leave the shitty underwear in the toilet, making the bathroom smell so much like, well, shit, that it is impossible to take a pee in there.
I was walking into the bathroom and this guy came running out, almost knocking me over. I didn’t think too much of it until the guy in the bathroom said, “I think that guy shit his pants.” I then looked back and the guy who ran out of the bathroom, ran straight outside. A dead giveaway he was the guilty caplet. I tried to go into the bathroom only it would have killed me.
After a few minutes, I mustered up the courage to plug my nose and investigate the crime scene. What I saw was more disgusting than a pile of puke covering a 400 pound black women that you are forced to make love to and lick the puke off her un-showered-for-three-months body. There, in the toilet, was the guy’s whitey tighty’s, covering in a brown, lumping paste. That same paste was smeared all over the inside wall of the toilet, the rim, the seat and even the outside of the toilet and the floor. It was like it was a planned attack.
The smell was so strong, not only did it prevent men from going into the restroom, it stopped women as well and it even cleared out the bar up to 35 feet in front of the bathroom door.
This lead to conversations of how could this happen. Really, there are only three reasonable explanations. One, the guy did it on purpose. Two, the guy tried holding in his poop but at some point reached the point of no return and on his way to the bathroom, he Mt. St. Helen-ed his pants. Three, he was so drunk he didn’t know he had to shit. As he was peeing in the stall, he thought he had to fart. Only it wasn’t so much a fart as it was shart. Then, once the poop came out a little, it opened the flood gates and the shart turned into a full out shit. Then, trying to make it into a joke and avert attention from himself, he left the underwear in the toilet and strategically placed poop marks like Mr. Hankey.
If you don’t know, the scientific difference between shitting your pants and shartting your pants is if the damage done to your underwear makes you throw them away or not. A shart is a wet fart that particles of poo come out. It turns into a shit if those particles are big and leave enough damage that you will never wear the underwear again. Everyone will shart their pants numerous times, no big deal. Shitting your pants is something you want to limit, especially at a crowded bar on Thanksgiving Eve.
I bring up this story for two reason. One, it’s just a funny story. Two, it’s the Cleveland Browns season in a nutshell. The guy who shit his pants (TGWSHP) didn’t start the day with the intentions of doing what he did (we assume). He had great plans, high expectations and ability based on past Thanksgiving Eve celebrations to have a wonderful night. The Cleveland Browns had the same great plans, high expectations and the ability to get the job done based on last year’s season and all the hype around the team.
TGWSHP felt a little bubbling going on in his stomach early in the night but decided to say it was nothing, ignoring the obvious. Cleveland Browns lost horribly in the first two games of the year but everyone chalked it up to a tough schedule and injuries, ignoring the obvious problems. TGWSHP probably started feeling good about himself after a few beers, but his problem had not gone away. It just hid itself. The Browns started feeling good about themselves after the MNF win over the Giants. But their problems where still there. As the night wore on for TGWSHP, he would feel good at some times, then in horrible stomach pain at others. The same has went on throughout the season for the Browns. At some point for TGWSHP, the pain was unbearable and he knew he had to poop, but he still tried to tell himself it was only a fart or at worst a shart. Browns fans have accepted the fact they aren’t good but still hope for the best every week. We know the Browns are probably going to shart themselves, we only hope they don’t shit themselves. TGWSHP had that same hope as he entered the bathroom that faithful Wednesday night. He thought if he pee-ed and let out a good fart, he would be OK the rest of the night. He was wrong and he shit his pants. The Browns hoped a quarterback change would limit the sharttiness. They were wrong. And the last two weeks, a “shart on ourselves season” has turned into a full-out “shit our pants season.” We can’t wear this underwear anymore. It’s time we throw it away and look to how to make next season a non-shartty or shitty season. Getting rid of The Chocolate Dumpling (who looks like a terd) is a great start but not the only thing that needs to happen.
With Ken Dorsey as the starter now (how awful were his three throws? It looked like he hadn’t thrown a meaningful pass in four years.) the shittiness is only going to continue. Only two things can make the season worthwhile now; Josh Cribbs playing QB or signing Jeff George.
As bad as the season is, at least we Browns fans have accepted we aren’t a good team early in the season. Seal, do you think Redskins fans have accept the same fact about their team yet?