October is upon us (BOOO!!!). That can only mean one thing, I’m not sure what it is but I’m going to give 31 predictions for the month, since there are 31 days. (That BOOO!!! may have been the gayest thing I have ever written.)
1) Al Davis will fire three more coaches and when he can’t get anyone to coach his team, Oakland will be the first team to ever play a game without a head coah. In order to find his next coach, Davis is forced to hired Bobby Small’s dad away from his volunteer coaching job of his son’s Pee Wee third grade team. (Seriously, why would anyone want to coach the Raiders? Why would you want to work for a guy who looks like this?There’s no way you are going to be successful. There’s no way you are going to get along with Crazy Old Dude. There’s no way you get another head coaching job for two years after you go 6-23 in Oakland. It makes no sense for anyone to take this job.)
2) The Browns shockingly go 2-1 in the month.
3) The Chocolate Dumpling will decided kicking a field goal on third-and-one, from the four-yard line, trailing 17-10, midway through the fourth-quarter is the smart move because if there’s a bad snap you can try to kick it again on fourth down and it puts points on the board.
4) The Chocolate Dumpling will mistakingly throw one of his six double cheeseburgers he keeps in pockets during the game instead the red flag to challenage a play he thinks needs challenged but everyone else doesn’t see the point a a four-yard gain on first down in the first quarter.
5) Donte Stallworth declears himself healthy for the MNF game agasint the Gaints but then decides he can’t give it a go because he can’t get over the cramp he suffered though during pregame warm-ups.
6) Kelly Pavlick will knockout Bernard Hopkins, ending Hopkins career and finally setting up a title unitying fight with that stupid ass Welch guy.
7) Graig and I will make a historic bet for the Redskins-Browns game.
8 ) The Busket Boys will play a full seven inning game. But still not win a game.
9) Oklahoma will lose to Texas which will lose to Mizzu who just lost to Oklahoma State.
10) Alabama will make it through the month unbeaten but it only sets up a more disappointing loss to LSU who will lose to South Carolina.
11) Ohio State goes only 2-2 in the month, losing to Wisconsin and Penn State, and just squeeking by Purdue and Michigan State.
12) Suckeye fans will still talk about a national championship and refuse to admit the team isn’t as good as everyone thought.
13) Michigan beats Illinois, Toledo and Michigan State but falls on a late fourth-quarter touchdown to Penn State who has moved up to No. 2 in the nation by that point.
14) Just weeks after Clay Aiken comes out of the closest in the most non-surprising “celebrity” coming out of the closet announement, Jimmy Clausen announces he is Clays boytoy in the second most non-surprising coming out of the closet moment.
15) The Red Sox beat the Angels and the Rays beat the White Soxs in the ALDS.
16) The Rays win the AL.
17) Brewers and Dodgers advance in the NLDS.
18) Brewers win the NL.
19) C.C. Sabathia pitches three of the five games against the Phillies and five of seven against the Dodgers.
20) The Rays win the World Series when C.C. Sabathia, pitching on 6 hours of rest, has he arm shatter into 53 pieces and the Brewers trust no one else to pitch so they just forfiet the series.
21) My fantasy team will turn things around and be 4-4 by the time November is here.
22) Someone on the Cavs will sprain an ankle and be out until February since sprained ankles on the Cavs is like staph infections on the Browns.
23) Cedric Benson, the new Cincinnati running back, will get arrest after partying with Chris Henry at a middle school party but still not be released by the team.
24) The Steelers, down to Bobby Small as their running back, talked both Tiki Barber and Jerome Bettis (did you know he was from Detriot) out of retirement to play for the Steelers.
25) NBC’s Football Night in America, sensing their 32-man staff is in danger, bring in Tyrone Wheatly, Ricky Walters, OJ Simpson, Natrone Means and Marion Butts to fill-in.
26) The NHL season starts and no one notices.
27) Beanie hands out his first suspension and then goes power crazy and suspense all comments from his site.
28) The Office continues to go downhill and this is it’s last season.
29) The letter people will be the second best Halloween costumes of all time, behind my Speed Racer last year.
30) It will be a better month for J Beanie Sports since there will be no guest bloggers.
31) Halloween gets more fun as you get older. There should be a time, maybe after the kids are done trick-or-treating, that the adults get to trick-or-treat. Only instead of candy, you get a beer or a shot.