It was a historic day yesterday. Not only did America elect the first black president in Barack Obama, but Graig continued to solidify lead in the election for Douche of the Year. I only say this because without you there would be no Redskins talk and I would enjoy reading the comments that much more. But let’s talk about something that truly matters today; Obama’s affect on the sporting world. Before we get there, I just have to say, eight years ago, during the Democratic Convention, Obama gave a speech as a rookie senator (I think), and I told my cousin (who I was living with at the time) he would be President one day. Just thought I’d share my wondering predicting abilities with you. I just hope my next prediction isn’t true that Biden will become president in less than a year.
Now on to, What does Barack Obama becoming President mean to the sports world?
* Now that there is a black President, black people will take over all sports and fill up rosters.
* Now that a black person is in charge of the country, there will be a rule required all professional teams to interview and at least make it look like you are considering a black person for a head coaching position every time there is an opening.
* Players with Muslim names like Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Mushin Muhammad, Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, Hamza Abdullah and Ahman Green will become the highest paid players in their leagues, win MVP awards and get elected to the Hall of Fame even before they retire.
* Since Obama wants to spread the wealth of the country around and tax the rich more, one way athletes will give back is they will give envelopes with anywhere from $5 to $1,000 out to every fan who attends their games.
* Duke basketball and football games will be nationally broadcast. (If you don’t understand that one, his top aid is Reggie Love, the former Duke basketball and football player.)
* Stephon Marbury, who hasn’t played a minute all year, will see his minutes grow to 45 a game while David Lee sees his go to zero.
* We’ll see a college football playoff, as Obama told Chris “I really had to hold in calling him the N-word” Berman. However, the eight-team field will automatically be cut to six when he announces Grambling State and Southern will receive automatic bids every year.
* A basketball court will be put in the White House and once a year we’ll have to see news footage of Obama playing in a charity game and everyone letting him score.
* Not knowing how to handle pressure from foreign countries, soccer will take over as the networks on Sunday afternoons, replacing the NFL, when all of Europe tells him “Come on, everyone is doing it. You’re not cool until you put soccer on TV.”
* As newly elected Vice President Joe Biden predicted, a crisis will test Obama early in his presidency when Al Davis finally snaps and holds his entire team hostage as he gets support from some of his closest friends in North Korea and Iran.
* Like life outside of sports, nothing will change.
