October is upon us (BOOO!!!). That can only mean one thing, I’m not sure what it is but I’m going to give 31 predictions for the month, since there are 31 days. (That BOOO!!! may have been the gayest thing I have ever written.)
1) Al Davis will fire three more coaches and when he can’t get anyone to coach his team, Oakland will be the first team to ever play a game without a head coah. In order to find his next coach, Davis is forced to hired Bobby Small’s dad away from his volunteer coaching job of his son’s Pee Wee third grade team. (Seriously, why would anyone want to coach the Raiders? Why would you want to work for a guy who looks like this?There’s no way you are going to be successful. There’s no way you are going to get along with Crazy Old Dude. There’s no way you get another head coaching job for two years after you go 6-23 in Oakland. It makes no sense for anyone to take this job.)
2) The Browns shockingly go 2-1 in the month.
3) The Chocolate Dumpling will decided kicking a field goal on third-and-one, from the four-yard line, trailing 17-10, midway through the fourth-quarter is the smart move because if there’s a bad snap you can try to kick it again on fourth down and it puts points on the board.
4) The Chocolate Dumpling will mistakingly throw one of his six double cheeseburgers he keeps in pockets during the game instead the red flag to challenage a play he thinks needs challenged but everyone else doesn’t see the point a a four-yard gain on first down in the first quarter.
5) Donte Stallworth declears himself healthy for the MNF game agasint the Gaints but then decides he can’t give it a go because he can’t get over the cramp he suffered though during pregame warm-ups.
6) Kelly Pavlick will knockout Bernard Hopkins, ending Hopkins career and finally setting up a title unitying fight with that stupid ass Welch guy.
7) Graig and I will make a historic bet for the Redskins-Browns game.
8 ) The Busket Boys will play a full seven inning game. But still not win a game.
9) Oklahoma will lose to Texas which will lose to Mizzu who just lost to Oklahoma State.
10) Alabama will make it through the month unbeaten but it only sets up a more disappointing loss to LSU who will lose to South Carolina.
11) Ohio State goes only 2-2 in the month, losing to Wisconsin and Penn State, and just squeeking by Purdue and Michigan State.
12) Suckeye fans will still talk about a national championship and refuse to admit the team isn’t as good as everyone thought.
13) Michigan beats Illinois, Toledo and Michigan State but falls on a late fourth-quarter touchdown to Penn State who has moved up to No. 2 in the nation by that point.
14) Just weeks after Clay Aiken comes out of the closest in the most non-surprising “celebrity” coming out of the closet announement, Jimmy Clausen announces he is Clays boytoy in the second most non-surprising coming out of the closet moment.
15) The Red Sox beat the Angels and the Rays beat the White Soxs in the ALDS.
16) The Rays win the AL.
17) Brewers and Dodgers advance in the NLDS.
18) Brewers win the NL.
19) C.C. Sabathia pitches three of the five games against the Phillies and five of seven against the Dodgers.
20) The Rays win the World Series when C.C. Sabathia, pitching on 6 hours of rest, has he arm shatter into 53 pieces and the Brewers trust no one else to pitch so they just forfiet the series.
21) My fantasy team will turn things around and be 4-4 by the time November is here.
22) Someone on the Cavs will sprain an ankle and be out until February since sprained ankles on the Cavs is like staph infections on the Browns.
23) Cedric Benson, the new Cincinnati running back, will get arrest after partying with Chris Henry at a middle school party but still not be released by the team.
24) The Steelers, down to Bobby Small as their running back, talked both Tiki Barber and Jerome Bettis (did you know he was from Detriot) out of retirement to play for the Steelers.
25) NBC’s Football Night in America, sensing their 32-man staff is in danger, bring in Tyrone Wheatly, Ricky Walters, OJ Simpson, Natrone Means and Marion Butts to fill-in.
26) The NHL season starts and no one notices.
27) Beanie hands out his first suspension and then goes power crazy and suspense all comments from his site.
28) The Office continues to go downhill and this is it’s last season.
29) The letter people will be the second best Halloween costumes of all time, behind my Speed Racer last year.
30) It will be a better month for J Beanie Sports since there will be no guest bloggers.
31) Halloween gets more fun as you get older. There should be a time, maybe after the kids are done trick-or-treating, that the adults get to trick-or-treat. Only instead of candy, you get a beer or a shot.
How about this…After beating an overrated Wisconsin team (even after playing the worst first half in college football history), Michigan fans for some reason feel like they don’t have a shitty team. But alas, the team makes the fans realize they suck and goes 1-3 the rest of the month, squeaking out a win against Toledo.
Damman, that very well could happen too, but I don’t think it will. Funny now, all of a sudden, Wisconsin is overrated. And if Michigan can beat Wisconsin with the worst half of college football, they can’t be that bad.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out who Bobby Small is? The only guess I have is that it is W’s alias when he heads to gay brothels.
Tyrone Wheatley is too busy coaching running backs at Ohio Northern.
The Office premiere was terrible. When will NBC realize that an hour is way too fucking long for that show.
Damman, good preditcion. Our state college will show everyone that they are the best in the Big Ten (if that even means anything) by winning out the rest of the season. People forget they have Wells himself back in action.
LMFAO Graig. I will give you that one, I even had a nice chuckly to myself. I am sure you were jealous when Beanie announced Jimmy Clausen as Clay Aiken’s boy toy, and not you, but I am sure you and Clay are keeping that your little secret so you don’t upset Jimmy.
I liked the mention of Natrone Means of the San Diego Chargers. I had forgotten all about him. That guy was a beast. Anyone remember what college he went to without looking it up?
Ok, so you can’t count that as a long post cause I was responding to everyone’s post above me.
W – notice I changed it to Wells. I said no one is allowed to call him Beanie on this site anymore since that is my name. (Aww, the powers of dictatorship.)
he went to UNC i believe… and the only reason i know that (and the only reason beanie posted about him i assume) is becuse he came up in conversation during the browns game sunday for some god awful reason.
You might be the worst predictor ever beanie. Everytime you predict something, the exact opposite happens, therefore thanks for the jinx of the browns, now we are surely going 1-2 and your baseball playoff predictions couldnt have been worse.
oh yeah… BOO!
Is there really a Bobby Small? I was just making up a name that sounded like it would fit a third-grader.
Also, I think we should try the Adult version of Halloween out… that sounds like it would be fun.
Beanie, your boy, The Windmill, is coming to The Plain Dealer.
What??? Really??? WHere did you hear that?
The Windmill Gerald Wilkins??
Adult Halloween here I come!
Also, many thanks for the link love a couple days ago to our dumb criminals.
Best,
truTV Sue