At the Olympics, world records are falling like self esteem at a bulimic convention. Michael Phelps set a world record in all eight of his events (right?) and Usian Bolt easily broke the 100m record while basically moonwalking and mocking the world. All the record setting performances got me thinking of what record I would most like to hold. There are plenty of great records no doubt, but which ones would have the biggest ramifications that people will remember forever. Here is my top ten.
10. MLB’s stolen bases - This really isn’t that cool of a record, there are plenty better in baseball. However, I’d love to knock Ricky Henderson off the top. But more than anything, I want to walk off the field with the base I just stole for the record, get it goldenized and wear it around my neck the rest of my life.
9. Nine golds at a single Olympics - Why would I not what this? I need to cash in on the Michael Phelps phenomenon. I think I would divide my events up between swimming, track, basketball and ping pong. Then, I would wear all eight medals at all times. Remember that Simpsons episode with the film festival and “the critic” Jay Sherman pulls out his two Pulitzers, People’s Choice, five Golden Globes and an Emmy? That’s what I’d do all the time.
8. Nathan’s hot dog eating - Remember when you first saw him and you were overwhelmed with patriotism? Remember when you fell in love him seeing him jam wiener after wiener into his mouth? I want to have the countries affection like Joey Chestnut does every Fourth of July. What better event is there to show off your American pride, eat tons of food and kick the Japs butt in the process?
7. Break Wilt Chamberlain’s record - Everyone knows Wilt scored 100 points in an NBA game. I want everyone to know that I scored 101, or 103 or 111, or whatever. I just want people to know I scored more than Wilt.
7b. Break Wilt Chamberlain’s record – Everyone knows Wilt has slept with over 20,000 women. I want everyone to know I slept with 20,001, or 20,003 for 22,222 or whatever. I just want people to know I scored more than Wilt.
6. Golf’s Majors - Jack Nicklaus has the record with 18. Before too long, the most popular golf in the world will break that record. Imagine how popular, and rich, I’d be if I broke Tiger’s record.
6. Golf’s Majors - Jack Nicklaus has the record with 18. Before too long, the most popular golf in the world will break that record. Imagine how popular, and rich, I’d be if I broke Tiger’s record.
5. Career titles – Sports is a team game. Individual records are awesome but it’s “all about the team,” supposedly. Along those lines, Bill Russell won 11 NBA Championships in 13 seasons and Otto Graham went 10 for 10 in his career. That’s pretty special. To do anything close to that, you’d be easily the greatest ever.
4. MLB hit record - The record needs to be broken. It’s held by Pete Rose who baseball won’t even let around the game. Plus, you’d be remembered forever as the guy had more hits than anyone else.
3. 100 meter dash - In the spirit of the Olympics, this is the best event to win. It’s usually the most hyped (on none Michael Phelps years) and the winner gets to say he is the World’s Fastest Man.
2. MLB consecutive game hit streak – Joe DiMaggio and 56 games. They go together like Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe. If I can’t one up him with Monroe, I’ll one up him in the hit streak. The record is almost impossible to break so to do it, I’ll forever be remember.
1. Home Run – Chicks love the long ball. And so does everyone else. Remember the home run chase of ‘98? Remember Bonds chasing the record, both season and career? Remember on ESPN broke their coverage to the “live look-in.” That’s what I want. Once in my life I want to be doing something so important that people think it deserves the “live look-in.” Plus, the home run record is the most treasured record in sports and it would be held be me. That’d be funny.
