Merry Christmas!!! It’s Christmas in August today. Time for presents, food, some partying and a gay old time. Well not gay as in the love between two men but gay as in carefree fun with no worries in the world. (I wish people used the word gay in that sense more. Stuff like, “Go have a gay time,” or “That was a really gay event,” or “My friends and I went swimming and had a gay time with each other.” Your assignment today: Find a way to use gay in the now homosexual term in a conversation and see what the person does.) What’s that you say? It’s not Christmas? You don’t get presents? Oh, I’m sorry, but I do. It’s my birthday! Yep, pretty sweet, huh? J Beanie has made it to 26 years old. I never thought I’d make it this long. Well, yes I did. But 26 means I only got about 20 more years to live. Well, I just wanted to share with you my birthday in case you want to send any presents over to me. I accept cash, checks and paypal accounts. Please let me know what donations I can expect and I’ll let you know where you can send it.
Since today is my birthday, I will be making several birthday wishes. They say you only get one wish when you blow out the candles on your cake but who is “they” and why do they get to “say” anything. Here is a list of 26 things I’m wishing for on my 26th birthday.
1. The next Brett Favre story we see is when John Madden and Peter King ask Favre for an interview and Favre denies them. So hurt by their hero and idol, Kingden kidnaps Favre before a game with playoff implications for the Jets. Over the next week, Kingden take turns raping and probing Favre, not his ass, but his right arm since they love his cannon. Kingden continue to talk and write about what a tragedy it is that Favre has disappeared and after the season Favre’s body washes ashore in New Jersey.
2. I get a pair of nice football cleats and I have the chance to give them to Braylon Edwards.
3. Graig and I make some kind of bet on the Oct. 19 Redskins-Browns game and Derek Anderson tosses five touchdown passes and Jason Campbell throws five INTs forcing G$ to admit DA is the better quarterback.
4. Rick Reilly sticks to writing and they keep his mug off of TV.
5. Steven A. Smith gets throat cancer and can never talk again.
6. The Tampa Bay Lightening reach the Stanley Cup Finals and in an act that shows team devotion and pushes them to win the Cup, the players all cut their hair into a mullet to honor coach Berry Melrose.
7. I had a time machine.
8. I had a monkey.
9. The Browns make the playoffs and beat Pittsburgh at home, on Sunday night.
10. The Yankees are in the same place come October the Indians are.
11. When Michael Phelps wins his eighth gold medal, all the fans “storm the court” and jump in to the pool.
12. That the softball team we are putting together doesn’t suck as bad as I think it’s going to. (Anyone still interested in playing?)
13. Tim Tebow breaks his leg so we don’t hear about his chances of being a repeat Heisman winner.
14. Ohio State is undefeated when they play Michigan and Rich Rod runs up the score in a blow out upset.
15. Michigan is over .500 and makes it to bowl game.
16. Michigan doesn’t lose to Utah. Or worse, Miami.
17. I has theme music that played every time I entered a room.
18. I had midget riding a miniature horse that went every where I went and talked in a sweet Irish accent.
19. I didn’t have the fattest, smelliest, most annoying guy in the world sit right over my left shoulder and act like I’m his best friend and always touching me.
20. I win my fantasy league/leagues this year.
21. I was creative enough to think of more good things to wish for.
22. All hot girls had to wear white pants with a dark color thong, or no underwear at all.
23. It’s a Ray-Brewers World Series and if that doesn’t happen, baseball season is canceled before that due to pure boredom.
24. Eric Wedge finally shows emotion by getting fed up with his horrible bullpen and kills Edward Mujica after he allows 12 runs on just 4 pitches. Wedge is acquitted since no one considers it murder since there’s no way Mujica is even close to a real person.
25. When Manny Ramirez retires he rips of his head and see that his body is nothing but a robot being controlled by a couple of drunk 10 year olds.
26. By the time I’m 26, I’ve done something special with my life.
Enjoy this very special day. And celebrate your favorite blogger.