Today is a specail day. I take a break from the normal world of boring sports to bring you one of the greatest lists of all time. I was waiting for a good day to bring this to you and today seems like it.
It was about a month ago, I went to a happy hour with one time dedicated commenter turned occassional reader Frank. It was a glorous Friday evening and many other people had the same idea as us to take advantage of this bars $2 happy hour and nice outdoor patio. As Frank and I sat there, sipping on way too many Summer Shandy’s, we began looking around at all the other people. Now, I’ve always been a big fan of people watching since there are a lot of weirdos out there but doing it at a bar is a whole other experience. You know you are going to see some crazy stuff but you figured at a 5:00, there can’t be that much, right? Wrong. As we people watched, we realized just how creepy some people can be. (Us included since for a long period of time we did nothing but stare at the group of girls a table over from us.) There was so much going on that Frank and I decided to come up with the different levels of creepiness. We’d see someone do something creepy, then laugh about it and hope we could remember what we saw for this very special edition of J Beanie.
Today I bring you “The Levels of Creepiness.” It ranges from just a little creepy to so creepy it leaves you speechless. These are all things Frank and I witnessed that faithful Friday evening or at some point in the last three weeks. I would like to make this a regular feature here on J Beanie. We’ve all seen someone — friends, stranger, yourself — do something creepy and laugh about it the next day. I want to share all those stories with my readers. What I’d like to do is have you email me the creepy things you saw when you were out. (my email is firstname.lastname@example.org – I figured email would be better than leaving as a comment so when I post them, it will be more of a surprise.) Then, once a week, I’ll select two of them to go to a “creep off” where you will vote which one is creepier. I’ll then add each item to the “Levels of Creepiness” to keep the list ever growing.
With the holiday weekend, I know all those creeps will be out in full force. Take notice. Remember. And let me know about them.
So, without further ado, here is the first installment of “Levels of Creepiness.”
ALMOST NORMAL, JUST A HINT OF CREEPINESS
● The “I’m adorably awkward with girls and is creepy but is no threat because when girls talk to me I panic and don’t know what to do” creepy.
● The “I just stand there and smile creepily” creepy.
● The “I have a solo mustache and I am trying to funny with it” creepy. (This guy could also be considered super sweet if the mustache is think enough, he has long air, aviator glasses and looks to be a straight 70s porn star.)
● The “I’m standing on the outside of circle of girls in conversation and even though I laugh when they all laugh I have no idea what they are saying,” creepy.
● The “I argue politics at the bar” creepy.
● The “if I stand next to these girls long enough hopefully they’ll talk to me” creepy.
● The “I’ll have another Summer Shandy” creepy.
● The “I have a white cell phone and I’m a male” creepy.
STILL FUNNY BUT IF HE DOES ONE MORE THING IT WILL NO LONG BE FUNNILY CREEPY AND FALL INTO JUST PLAY CREEPY
● The “I shaved my head into a mohawk even though my hair was already shaved” creepy.
● The “I play in a band and the only people who came to us play our parents and out-of-town relatives” creepy.
● The “I wear Hawaiian shirts with khaki pants and black shoes” creepy.
● The “I came to the bar by myself in a tank top and jean short” creepy.
● The “I introduce myself with my nickname” creepy.
● The “guy who goes to the electric a few songs earlier than expected b/c he busted a string on the acoustic” creepy.
● The “why in god’s name didn’t I have a pen and paper handy when all of these creepy jokes were flowing out of my mouth as fast as the beer was flowing down my throat” creepy.
● The “I’m going to wave my hand in front of your face until you acknowledge me and give me a high-five” creepy.
I REALLY DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS CREEPY BUT IF ALL MY FRIENDS SAY IT WAS CREEPY IT MUST BE CREEPY
● The “I came to see my son’s band play and I brought my own lawn chairs to the bar and set them up in the middle of the patio but never used them” creepy.
● The “I have a solo mustache and I’m not trying to be funny with it” creepy.
● The “I came to the bar with a buddy and didn’t think I was a creep but the looking around the bar I notice it’s the two of us and two other guys by themselves all staring at the same group of girls so we look creepy by association” creepy.
● The “I wear shirts like ‘I’m drunk’ or ‘Female Body Inspector’ to the bar because it’s still a better pick up line than anything I can think of on my own” creepy.
● The “let me show how to hold the pool stick” creepy.
● The “I need to be six inches from your face and look directly into your eyes to talk to you” creepy.
● The “No matter how smooth I think I’m being it’s actually creepy” creepy.
● The “guy who goes ‘uhh–uhhhh-UHHHH!!’ whenever a remotely good-looking girl walks by” creepy.
● The “this dirty bandanna worn around my neck like a 1920′s bank robber makes me look awesome” creepy.
● The “I rubbed my beer bottle on the neck of the girl I’m talking to to try and cool her down” creepy.
● The “I’m the girl who let the guy rub his beer bottle on my neck to try and cool me down” creepy.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE THINKING ABOUT SITTING YOU DOWN AND HAVING AN INTERVENTION ABOUT YOUR CREEPINESS
● The “I’m 40 and I refuse to hang out with people my own age so I still go to college bars to make friends” creepy.
● The “nice guy trying to console or listen to a girls problems when all I’m really doing is waiting for my chance for a cheap feel or her getting drunk enough that she’ll come home with me thinking I’ll take care of her but I really want to take advantage of her” creepy.
● The “I know I’m God’s gift to women” creepy.
● The “I buy girls on the other side of the bar drinks in hope they come over and talk to me but those smiles they just gave me are really them laughing at how stupid guys are” creepy.
● The “I have to have my hands on you to talk to you” creepy.
SO CREEPY NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO THE BAR WITH YOU ANY MORE.
● The “I’m the old man in thick glasses and pit stained shirts who sits at the end of the bar and just stars at every girl and everyone thinks I’m the creepiest guy in the bar” creepy.
● The “I’m an old, ugly, rich guy but if I buy these girls enough drinks maybe I’ll be the ‘not so bad looking, cool, he isn’t really that old rich guy’ and I can get lucky with one of these college girls” creepy.
● The “I just puke at the bar and then try to play it off like it’s not a big deal” creepy.
● The “I’ll walk through the crowd and strum my gui-tar while asking the Miller Lite girl to pour a warm shot of Miller Chill down my gullet while I continue to play” creepy.
● The “let’s roll our pants up to our knees and cross our legs while calling out other people at the bar for being creepy” creepy.
CREEPY ENOUGH FOR GUYS TO MAKE A LIST ABOUT LEVELS OF CREEPINESS
● The “I just got called creepy by the creepiest guy in the bar” creepy.
● The “I’m just going to blatantly stare at the girls since everyone knows I’m a creep and I just don’t care” creepy.
● The “I’m an old, ugly, rich guy who buys these girls all there drinks and I don’t even care what they think of me because I’m so desperate for attention that them talking to me only when their glass is empty is more than enough for me” creepy.
● The “guys who email creepy lists they came up with during one spectacular happy hour” creepy.
● The “I dance/make-out with a blacked out girl who would be a passed out girl if I let her sit down” creepy.
● The “I got so drunk I began telling my husband’s sister about how I gave him road head on the way home from every Indians game we went to” creepy.
● The “I was sober but my wife was so drunk and horny (after talking about giving head) that I took her out of a creepy bar and into my car that I parked behind the bar and had sex with her before returning to the bar, denying it happened but forgetting how drunk my wife is that she said yes and laughed about it as soon as my sister and her boyfriend asked us where we went” creepy.