It’s not quite the dog days of summer but it’s definitely the slow days of summer. No football, no basketball, no hockey, no Tiger golf, no lacrosse, the Indians are three weeks away from Miami Heat and tanking the season and giving every regular starter an “injury.” (Losing three in a row to Colorado, if it happens tonight, will be the season ender.)
So that doesn’t leave much quality sporting events for the rest of the summer. The Olympics are coming up in July or August or something and that will be two weeks for tape delayed broadcasts of exciting gymnastic events. At least it will be something to follow. Until then, not much going on. So when you find yourself bored of flipping around the tube looking for sports worth watching and all you get is poker, equestrian, women’s golf, reruns of the spelling bee and Yankee games even though they won’t make the playoff as proven their signing of Sidney Ponson yesterday, here are a few things to do. They may not be the greatest, most excitingly fun things to do, but they’ll be better than watching an Outside the Lines on dangers of horse racing.
> Have a pool party. But have it at pool at an apartment building where you don’t know anyone who lives there.
> Go to the zoo and throw bananas at the monkeys.
> Try to get your friends to do something active that doesn’t involve repeated 12 ounce arm curls, like ultimate frisbee.
> Play a round of golf and start running around like a crazy person saying you made a hole in one just to see if you can make people believe you (since none of you will ever be able to match me).
> Go to an outdoor party where there is a lot of people (for you Falls boys Rockin’ on the River would be perfect) and shoot water balloons out of a water balloon launcher.
> Go to a little league baseball game and offer the little kids candy to go for a ride with you.
> Go buy the sexiest little golden thong you can find and see if you get your swing back.
> Go to happy hour and make a list of all the creepy things you see.
> Go to the mall and find a mom and a little kid. Grab the little kid and run a few steps to see the reaction of the mom.
> Buy a minivan.
> Play a 4-man golf scramble with a few teams, on the putt-putt course still invoking the rule of shotgunning a beer for birdies and bogeys.
> Read a good book. (Hahahaha. OK not really. If you come to this just watch some boring sporting event.)
> Hire a bunch of strippers (the possibilities are endless then but here are a few I’ve thought of: Slip ‘N Slide party. Play paintball with them but they get no guns and teams get points for how many times they shot the naked stripper – the trick here is you make sure there is nothing large enough on the field for the stripper to be completely safe. Just small trees and rocks and such. It’s got to be fun to shoot a naked ladies with paintballs right?)
> Midget tossing.
> More fun with midgets could include getting some really big dogs and having the midgets ride them around like horse racing.
> Turn all your old video footage from your cell phone into a movie.
> Shoot ketchup and mustard out of the bottle from a bridge on to the cars be low.
> Become a boy scout leader.
> Do a bike tour of all the bars in your neighborhood. (That is, ride your bike to a bar, have a drink, ride to the next bar, and repeat until you get to all the bars.)
> Beat up a professional athlete, a la Javon Walker.
> Find a gym that has windows, pull up a lawn chair right in front and just watch the people work out.
> Use crutches just for a day and see how much sympathy you can get. (Get to do this a bar. Free drinks and a great ‘in’ to talk to the ladies.)
> Take a bus trip to the Indians game. They may be out of the playoff by then but you won’t care by the time you get to the game.
> Tee-pee a house, set off a drain-O bomb or egg your slutty neighbors house for a old times sake.