All this in under 10 seconds

Tyson Gay ran 100 meters in 9.68 seconds yesterday. That would be a world record but because of such a strong tailwind, it will not qualify for the record books. Kind of strange but not as strange as the headline “Hooker wins 100-meter qualifier in 10.76 seconds.” Te he he. That’s funny. Even more funny that it’s in the women’s race. Even funnier knowing the names of fastest American woman and man. I really would want to see this headline, “Gay, Hooker win qualifier.” 

But the story here is Gay running the 100 meter in 9.68. That is pretty darn impressive but it got me thinking of things I could do in under 10 seconds.

> Score more runs than the Cleveland Indians.

> Make several typos that force my readers to re-read the sentence twice, maybe three times.

> Last longer in Wimbledon than most American men.

> Get a man to feel so bad  about taking a ball from a little kid that he gives it to the kids. (At the Tribe game Saturday I sat in the bleachers. Grady Sizemore always throws a ball in to the stands between innings. The one in the fifth inning was about 20 feet to my left and caught be a guy one row behind us. Some little fat kids was also trying to catch it and reached over the kid to get it. Every cheered for him until I started booing him and say how mean it was to take it from the little kid. The kid looked like he was going to cry until the guy have him the ball. Then the kid was the happiest a little fat kid has been with something that didn’t involve food. I’m kind of like a super hero, aren’t I?)

> Regret going to Wednesday’s and Saturday’s Indians game. (In the three games I’ve been to this year, the Indians have scored a grand total of two runs.)

> In half the time, realize it’ a bad idea to give Gilbert Arenas a six-year, $124 million deal.

> Brush my teeth.

> Get so annoyed with my co-workers that I walk out of the office in their mid-sentence.

> Check the J Beanie website for new comments… twice.

> Become a big Cleveland Gladiators fans as they play in the playoffs tonight.

> Probably, change the channel from the Gladiators game because as much as I love football, it’s still Arena football.

> Take a poo.

> Realize that you should just pay the $10 and have Lowe’s put the grill together for you instead of having 5 guys try to put it together.

> Pretend to care that Spain won the Euro Cup before laughing and saying “come on, it’s soccer.”

> This isn’t dealing with 10 seconds but I thought it was funny. A man was cited for misdemeanor drug abuse after he was found in possession of suspected marijuana at Cleveland Hopkins Airport. The man’s name: Derrick Martin. And he had the same date of birth as the Derrick Martin of the Baltimore Ravens. Ravens’ Martin denies in was in Cleveland. The other Martin insists he is the Ravens player (may not be true, but that’s what I would do.)

> Get through a line or two of W’s comments before not  caring what he has to say anymore.

> Run 10 meters.

 

 

Fratello

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We got 6 right in the NBA Draft

As poorly as the J Beanie mock draft went, we did get the first five picks right. That’s pretty special. And then Graig got a Portland taking Brandon Rush even though he was traded we count it. Six picks. That’s more right than I thought we’d get. Good work team.

Before we get to the Cavs pick, I want to share some of my favorite moments from the draft. Surprisingly, most of the deal with the Lopez twins.

I loved Brook crying after not being taken No. 9. 

I loved Brook being mic-ed up and saying “this is boring” and putting his head down like a 4-year old and asking “who’s the coach of the Nets?”

I loved how Brook sounds like Super Dave Osborne. (I was really hoping he would say “why would you do that Larry?”)

I loved Robin Lopez trying to put his hat on. 

I loved how much Mama Lopez looks like her boys. They have her to thank for that nose.

I loved the crowd booing the Italian Danilo Gallinari and continuing to boo during his interview.

I loved how for both questions asked to Gallinari, he said the same thing; a version of “I want to win” and “I play hard.” He didn’t know any other phrases.

But Gallinari fit in since everyone drafted said the those two lines or “I’ll do whatever the team wants me to do.”

Rosenberg had a good point. He was hoping the white guys drafted would be interviewed by a white guy.

I loved on on just about every pick, ESPN guys would never say who they thought the team would take. One guy would say they need a big, one would say a guard and one would say it’s a toss up. Great analysis guys. Thanks.

 

OK, on to the Cavs pick. When it was their time to pick, I was with readers/commenters Frank and Rosenberg plus another buddy. With Kosta Koufos and Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers on the board, we were thinking it would be one of them. We all agreed we didn’t want Koufos but we were prepared to hear those words that would cut through us like finger nails on a chalk board. We wanted one of the Jayhawks. When David Stern went to the podium and said “J.J. Hickson” there was silence in the room of four. We just kind of looked at each other, not knowing what to say. 

That says it all about the pick. While I think they should have gone with Arthur or Chamlers, I can’t say the Hickson pick is bad… yet. I know nothing about him so how can I judge? I never even heard of him until I read an SI.com draft preview and the guy had the Cavs taking Hickson. I guess he has talent but is at least two years away. The silence in our room I’m sure was felt by all Cavs fans. We don’t know what to expect so we can’t be mad or happy; just OK with it, I guess. Silence says it all.

Sorry, that’s all I feel like writing. I’m too anxious for the weekend to start. Going to a wedding tonight with old college friends then (don’t know why I’m excited about this) going to the Indians-Reds game tomorrow and a bocce ball tournament on Sunday. Just wanting 3:00 to get here so I can be on the way to the wedding. In the mean time, what were you favorite parts of the draft?

 

 

Fratello

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Inactive NBA Draft – Day 2

OK, we are back for Day 2 of J Beanie’s Special Interactive NBA Draft. Hope everyone is back to join me. Here’s where we stand.

1. Bulls – Derrick Rose

2. Heat – Michael Beasley

3. T’wolves – OJ Mayo

4. Sonics – Russell Westbrook

5. Grizzlies – Kevin Love

6. Knicks – Jerryd Bayless

7. Clippers – DJ Augstin

8. Bucks – Eric Gordon

9. Bobcats – Brook Lopez

10. Nets – Joe Alexander

11. Pacers – Mario Chalmers

12. Kings – Danilo Gallinari

13. Blazers – Brandon Rush

14. Warriors – Anthony Randolph

15. Suns – Kosta Koufos

16. 76ers – Marreese Speights

17. Raptors – Robin Lopez

18. Wizards – Donte Green

Leading off today is W for the Cavs. Let’s get it rolling. During the day, I’ll be telling tales of Rosenberg and mine’s trip to the Indians game last night. Let’s just say we had great seats and we were still bored.

OK, W. Who do the Cavs take? I kind of what to know everyone’s opinion on this pick but the final answer will come from W.

For a reminder, here’s the rest of the draft order and who is making what picks.

19. Cleveland Cavaliers (Womble. Damn you Womble getting the best pick.)

20. Denver Nuggets (Wes)

21. New Jersey Nets (GFB)

22. Orlando Magic (Beanie)

23. Utah Jazz (Graig)

24. Seattle SuperSonics (Damman)

25. Houston Rockets (Rosie)

26. San Antonio (Womble)

27. Portland TrailBlazers (Wes)

28. Memphis Grizzlies (GFB)

29. Detroit Pistons (Beanie)

30. Boston Celtics (Graig)

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A J Beanie Special – an interactive NBA draft

OK, it’s time for the NBA Draft special interactive edition of J Beanie. Hopefully everyone will check the site frequently so we don’t have a big hold up in-between picks. Not sure how this will work but it should be fun. Make your selection and any comments about the pick, the player, the team or whatever. Your final pick should be who you think they’ll will take, not who they should take or what you want them to do. If you don’t know anything, (GFB I’m looking at you) take a look at a few mock drafts on ESPN and SI.com and then make your pick. 

The order of picking will go Beanie, Graig, Damman, Rosie, Womble (reluctantly, I really wanted to leave him out), Wes and GFB. Here is the order of picks by NBA team with who will be making their pick next to them. The Blazers traded for the 27th pick so that is in this list.

 

1. Chicago Bulls (Beanie)

2. Miami Heat (Graig)

3. Minnesota Timberwolves (Damman)

4. Seatle SuperSonics (Rosie)

5. Memphis Grizzlies (Womble)

6. NY Knicks (Wes)

7. LA Clippers (GFB)

8. Milwaukee Bucks (Beanie)

9. Charlotte Bobcats (Graig)

10. New Jersey Nets (Damman)

11. Indiana Pacers (Rosie)

12. Sacramento Kings (Womble)

13. Portland TrailBlazers (Wes)

14. Golden State Warriors (GFB)

15. Phoenix Suns (Beanie)

16. Philadelphia 76ers (Graig)

17. Toronta Raptors (Damman)

18. Washington Wizards (Rosie)

19. Cleveland Cavaliers (Womble. Damn you Womble getting the best pick.)

20. Denver Nuggets (Wes)

21. New Jersey Nets (GFB)

22. Orlando Magic (Beanie)

23. Utah Jazz (Graig)

24. Seattle SuperSonics (Damman)

25. Houston Rockets (Rosie)

26. San Antonio (Womble)

27. Portland TrailBlazers (Wes)

28. Memphis Grizzlies (GFB)

29. Detroit Pistons (Beanie)

30. Boston Celtics (Graig)

 

Oh, the trivia answer from yesterday, there are 14 WNBA Teams. Can you believe that!?!?! Fourteen! 

(I’ll be back in 10 minutes to make the first pick. I probably didn’t even need to type that since I’m sure I’ll make the pick before anyone reads this.)

Enjoy and good luck. Let’s have some fun and see who can get the most picks right.

 

 

Fratello

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Mock NBA Draft suggestions?

This really isn’t a post but I wanted to get everyone’s opinions, commitments. The NBA Draft is coming up on Thursday (surprisingly the Cavs have a pick they haven’t traded away from some European pansy). I wanted to do something “interactive” for it so I was thinking we could all take turns making the picks for whatever team. It would start with me making the selection for the Bulls and then say Graig makes the second pick, Seal the third, Rosie four, GFB five… etc. The order can be determined by who commits to doing it. In the comments, let me know if you are interested in/willing to participate in this. Hopefully we can get most/all of you to do it. It could be fun or it could suck. I wanted to do this tomorrow, but  can push it to thursday if thats better, so I’d like to know how many to expect. Thanks. Let me know.

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“Dunk” This

Can we all agree that dunking in a WNBA is not news. In fact, nothing that happens in the WNBA is news. The WNBA itself is not news, unless it folds, my God how I hope it folds. A dunk is not news. The fact that Candace Parker was able to palm a mini basketball and put her hand on the rim while she made a lay-up is the biggest joke of news since… well since the last time someone “dunked” in a WNBA game. If you have to lead a news story like this “Candace Parker threw a down a dunk on one coast and picked up an honor on the other. Hours after becoming the second player to dunk in a WNBA game…” you know their stretching. Just saying Candace Parker, wasn’t going to suck in the readers but maybe if we remind everyone that she “dunked” they’ll keep reading the story. If you are relying on that as your attention grabber, you probably should just not write the story. 

(Quick trivia: How many teams are in the WNBA? Don’t cheat. Just guess.)

This got me thinking though, what other stories are out there in the sports world that don’t get the publicity like a “dunk” in a WNBA game but are more newsworthy? These are the stories within the story of a game that are more interesting, and better and bigger, than a “dunk” in the WNBA. 

 

… Taking a no-hitter in the second inning.

… Scoring 16 points in the first quarter of a NBA (real) basketball game

… A little leaguer hitting for the cycle 

… What Maria Sharapova is wearing at Wimbledon.

… Who was traded at the NHL deadline.

… Who was taken first in the MLS draft (if there even is one).

… ESPN over-playing (surprise) the Bulldogs verse Bulldogs in the College World Series.

… Making three tackles in an NFL game.

… A pitcher throwing three straight first pitch fast balls.

… A second baseman going 1-for-4 with a single.

… An AFL game with more than 50 points.

… The Super Bowl being on of the most watch TV shows of the year.

… Chris Berman giving a stupid nickname to a guy with the last name Holes.

… An interview wit the grounds crew guy who cut his finger ranking the infield between innings.

… Joe Buck saying no to  job.

… John Madden voting Brett Favre to the Hall of Fame.

… Asdruoibbelkbul Cabrera hitting over .400… in the minors (It’s good to see but come on, it’s still the minors. He was hitting less than he weighs in the majors.)

… Winning a first round match at any tennis tournament. While losing in the first round at Wimbledon is news, winning isn’t.

… A pro golfer driving the ball 330 yards.

… A relief pitching being called in for match-up purposes.

… A back-up quarterback warming up when the start gets hurt.

… This being my 327 post.

… GFB aging 15 years when he got a mini-van. 

All these are stories I’d rather read about than a “women” “dunking” during a “basketball game.” Go away WNBA.

 

 

Fratello

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A few name changes

A couple super sweet professional athletes are hoping, looking, trying really, really hard, for name changes.

I had a panic attack yesterday morning when I was watching SportsCenter and the Sunday Conversation was with Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. (First thing that bothered me, in the intro to the piece, they talked about KG, PP and Ray Allen but then they don’t talk to Ray Allen?) As my rules, I change the channel any time anything about the Celtics come on. My panic attack struck when I went to grab the remote and it wasn’t there. You know that feeling you get when you reach for you wallet in your back pocket and it’s not there? That’s what I felt when the trusty clicker wasn’t where it was suppose to be. I reached all over, nothing. I even got up, looked around, still nothing. Where the hell was it? My ears were starting to bleed. I was in full panic mood that I even got up off the couch and changed the channel on the box with my hand. When was the last time you did that? I had never been so happy to see someone fishing on boat then I was in that moment, thank you ESPN2.

Before I could get to the TV, I had heard the most annoying conversation my ears have ever been witness to. Think about high school girls arguing over who was wearing what color dress to a dance, or your grandparents arguing over who left the light on, and those were would be more pleasant than what I heard. I’d rather sit through an hour of 8-year olds breaking down why High School Musical is great or Steven A. Smith explain why blacks have it tougher in the NBA. If you watched any of the Sunday Conversation, you know what I’m talking about. Pierce and Garnett called each other a cute little nickname. A nickname more annoying than that couple who never call each other by their real names and go out of the way to call each other baby, sweetie or some made up nickname like loopisy, which no one understands. PP and KG were calling each other “Champ” like they didn’t know any other word.

“Hey Champ.”

“Hi Champ.”

“How’s it feel to be a champ, Champ.”

“Good, Champ. How’s it feel to you, Champ.”

“Champ.”

“Champ.”

“Champ.”

“Champ.”

Give me a freaking break. Grow up you annoying little bastards. Garnett actually made himself look more like ass then he did in his post game interview when he scream out the line from Titanic repeatedly and said he was “certified.” Really, Champ? You have to say champ that many times? You don’t think that made you look like an idiot? If there was any chance I’d ever root for PP, KG or the Celtics again (and there never was) it was gone right there. In the four seconds it took to get to my cable box, I heard the word champ no less than 8 times. It would make the Soap Box Derby kids embarrassed. I should explain that one. In high school, our basketball team volunteered at the Soap Box Derby finals at Derby Downs in Akron. We carried the cars for all the little kids to the garage to the starting line and where ever else the pushy parents asked us to. Everyone called these kids champ and we were told to do the same. No names, no buddy, no son, guy, man, cutie, sweetie or superhero. Only champ. “Here’s your car, Champ.” “Good luck, Champ.” “Go get ‘em, Champ.” And so on. If you didn’t say champ, look out. The parents wanted to kill you and thought you tampered with the car so their ‘champ’ would lose. It turned in to a game for us; How many times can you use the word champ in a sentence. For example, “Champ, here’s your champ car, Champ, and Champ, I wanted to say champ good luck to you Champ.” I felt this is what Pierce and Garnett were doing. They must have been thinking “If we say champ every other word, do you think Rachel Nichols will say anything?” She should have just pulled out a gun and shot them right there. How much longer do we have to put with the Celtics? 

 

The other guy looking for a name change, Pacman Jones. He doesn’t want to be Pacman any more. “There’s really just a lot of negativity behind it,” Jones said. “It’s just time for a change, man. I’m doing everything to make sure that I’m all right as a person, mentally and emotionally.” Yes, changing your name is really going to make you all right as a person. That’s your problem; the nickname. Not the late night strip club riots or posse that shoots guys or sexually harassing women. No, it’s the nickname. You know what, maybe, as I think about it, this will work. Pacman needs to clean up his act if he wants to play in the NFL and part of that is who he hangs around with. A lot of people want to hang out with a guy named Pacman. Anyone named Pacman has to be a fun, wild guy who loves to party, drink, do drugs, entertain and play old school video games. Maybe he’s just been trying to live up to the expectations. But a guy named Adam; there are no expectations. Except for maybe being a boring guy loves to read books over happy hour. No one wants to hang out with a guy named Adam. He’s boring. I, for one, will not agree to this name change. Long live Pacman.

 

 

Fratello

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Carry me

Sorry guys. Nothing to post today and I don’t feel like digging for something and putting you through a half-assed column. I know you expect greatness from me and I’m not up to it today. I’m also sad because as I predicted yesterday, a sweep by the Rockies would basically end the Cleveland Indians season. If you got some topics to discuss, let’s do it in the comment section.  Carry me today boys. 

Graig, where did Tim O’ Shea go? I’ve been saying get rid of him since my freshman year when even I knew what offense he was running. He sucked. Although he and his FLEX offense are probably good enough to join Mike Browns staff.

Two quick congratulations I have to throw out. First, congrats to Seal for getting on out the bike path and as he said in a text “trying not to be fat.” Second, to GFB for purchasing a mini-van yesterday at 11:30 at night. Who the hell buys a car that late at night? If you ever make me stay up that late on a week day watching your annoying little girl, while you and GFBW-1 are out making love in mini-vans until you find one that is like doing it in a Riveria in a parking lot, there is going to be some serious trouble. 

Have a good weekend everyone.

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Things to do this summer

It’s not quite the dog days of summer but it’s definitely the slow days of summer. No football, no basketball, no hockey, no Tiger golf, no lacrosse, the Indians are three weeks away from Miami Heat and tanking the season and giving every regular starter an “injury.” (Losing three in a row to Colorado, if it happens tonight, will be the season ender.) 

So that doesn’t leave much quality sporting events for the rest of the summer. The Olympics are coming up in July or August or something and that will be two weeks for tape delayed broadcasts of exciting gymnastic events. At least it will be something to follow. Until then, not much going on. So when you find yourself bored of flipping around the tube looking for sports worth watching and all you get is poker, equestrian, women’s golf, reruns of the spelling bee and Yankee games even though they won’t make the playoff as proven their signing of Sidney Ponson yesterday, here are a few things to do. They may not be the greatest, most excitingly fun things to do, but they’ll be better than watching an Outside the Lines on dangers of horse racing.

 

> Have a pool party. But have it at pool at an apartment building where you don’t know anyone who lives there.

> Go to the zoo and throw bananas at the monkeys.

> Try to get your friends to do something active that doesn’t involve repeated 12 ounce arm curls, like ultimate frisbee.

> Play a round of golf and start running around like a crazy person saying you made a hole in one just to see if you can make people believe you (since none of you will ever be able to match me).

> Go to an outdoor party where there is a lot of people (for you Falls boys Rockin’ on the River would be perfect) and shoot water balloons out of a water balloon launcher.

> Go to a little league baseball game and offer the little kids candy to go for a ride with you.

> Go buy the sexiest little golden thong you can find and see if you get your swing back.

> Go to happy hour and make a list of all the creepy things you see.

> Go to the mall and find a mom and a little kid. Grab the little kid and run a few steps to see the reaction of the mom.

> Buy a minivan.

> Play a 4-man golf scramble with a few teams, on the putt-putt course still invoking the rule of shotgunning a beer for birdies and bogeys.

> Read a good book. (Hahahaha. OK not really. If you come to this just watch some boring sporting event.)

> Hire a bunch of strippers (the possibilities are endless then but here are a few I’ve thought of: Slip ‘N Slide party. Play paintball with them but they get no guns and teams get points for how many times they shot the naked stripper – the trick here is you make sure there is nothing large enough on the field for the stripper to be completely safe. Just small trees and rocks and such. It’s got to be fun to shoot a naked ladies with paintballs right?)

> Midget tossing.

> More fun with midgets could include getting some really big dogs and having the midgets ride them around like horse racing.

> Turn all your old video footage from your cell phone into a movie.

> Shoot ketchup and mustard out of the bottle from a bridge on to the cars be low. 

> Become a boy scout leader.

> Do a bike tour of all the bars in your neighborhood. (That is, ride your bike to a bar, have a drink, ride to the next bar, and repeat until you get to all the bars.)

> Beat up a professional athlete, a la Javon Walker.

> Find a gym that has windows, pull up a lawn chair right in front and just watch the people work out.

> Use crutches just for a day and see how much sympathy you can get. (Get to do this a bar. Free drinks and a great ‘in’ to talk to the ladies.)

> Take a bus trip to the Indians game. They may be out of the playoff by then but you won’t care by the time you get to the game.

> Tee-pee a house, set off a drain-O bomb or egg your slutty neighbors house for a old times sake.

 

Fratello

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What I’ve thought about beside the NBA Finals

The Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship last night. Their 17th in the history of the franchise. Quite a feat. And I could care less. I haven’t watched more than 4 minutes and 43 seconds of the finals. In fact over the what seemed to be two months since Game 1 was played it may be the thing I’ve cared the least amount about. Here is a list of things more meaningless than an NBA championship that I thought about more during the finals.

 

> If Chad Johnson participated to Bengals mini-camp.

> The Ohio high school state softball finals.

>The AHL Calder Cup Finals.

> Corn production falling.

> If a black belt looked good on blue pants.

> If Big Brown will ever race again.

> If Tiger Woods would go see the Celtics doctors during the U.S. Open since the performed a miracle on Paul Pierce and made him able to walk again after being wheelchaired off the floor.

> If Continental Airlines cuts can affect someone who rarely travels.

> What kind of minivan GFB is going to get and what kind of funeral ceremony we should have for the Riveria.

> How long Floyd Mayweather will stay retired? Over/under 18 months.

> Why NBA teams give coaching jobs to former role playing shooting guards?

> What happened to Justin Hicks?

> Inviting myself to other people’s wedding, and getting not only myself invited but the GF too.

> How many days in a row I can go without brushing my teeth before someone says something.

> If they’d find Nemo.

> Graig’s trip to Yankee Stadium (yeah, I really don’t care about the NBA Finals).

> If I can get this booger out of nose before someone sees me digger like a dog.

> What Hank Steinbrenner will say next about the longest tradition in baseball.

> If I wore safety goggles all the time, what would people think.

> How good my meatball sandwich is going to be at lunch.

> Who is going to be on Dances with the Stars next year.

> If Bill Nye the Science Guy is ever going to be on TV again.

> What Bill Simmons is going to write about after the finals.

> How many days is too many days for wearing the same underwear.

> How sweet it would be to party with Cedric Benson.

> How a grown women can get so drunk that she passes out on the toilet at 10 pm.

> Trying to find a potato chip that looks like Jesus.

> When I get old if I’ll be one of those cool old guys who can pull of wearing  suspenders and a sweet top hat.

> Who’s going to win Euro 2008.

> If I was stranded on a desert island, would I rather a TV or a computer?

> How does Rice Crispys make that snap, crackle, pop sound?

> How would Seal kill Graig given the chance?

> How you can call someone and ask them to call you back but they never do, but if you text them, no matter what time of day, they’ll get back to you 21 seconds.

> Only 82 days until the Cleveland Browns opener.

 

 

Fratello

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